Alter Egos
by Aishuu
Summary: Yukito and Yue... where does one end and the other begin? To maintain his happiness with Touya, Yuki goes to a counselor and drags her into his world on a dark odyssey that will strain the boundaries of the human psyche... COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

Aishuu Offers  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
Shitsui@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Author's Notes: For Ari, a happy 24th. I love you, neesan. In all honesty, I owe her a fic of her choice- this is just to acknowledge that special day! So neesan, choose what you want, and I'll whip you up something... and no, don't let Lyra convince you VIRGO is the way to go- I do Yami and Furuba and CCS and other CLAMP stuff...  
  
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PROLOGUE  
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The first time I met Tsukishiro Yukito, I immediately liked him. I like most of my clients, but there was something about Yukito that was special.   
  
Yukito sat in my waiting room, reading a college text. I glanced at the title, and wasn't surprised that it was a translated copy of Paradise Regained by Dante. Many of my clients tried to establish themselves as more than they were by dragging in heavy books or magazines, or wearing different clothing than they normally would. It was part of the game, and what they didn't realize was that their little pretenses told me quite a bit about them. Still, something about Yuki told me that his reading choice wasn't a façade.  
  
I raised my eyes to study him, to gain a better impression. He was dressed simply, in khaki pants and a pale tan shirt, and a watch was on his left wrist. His shoes were clean, but not new, and he had a leather bag beside him, one which had seen use, but like his shoes, was in good condition. His hair was an odd gray, and his eyes were a golden amber, which radiated quiet knowledge and good will. All in all, I had the impression of a young man who was friendly, most likely popular, and successful. I wondered what had brought him to me.  
  
"Tsukishiro-san?" I asked, even though I knew who it was. I made a point of scheduling my new clients separately from other appointments, since most people didn't want to be seen going to a psychologist's office.  
  
"Katashiwa-sensei?" he asked, sounding a little shy as he looked up from his book, sneaking it into his bag.  
  
"Call me Imiyo, and I'll call you Yukito," I said. "If we're going to be working together, it's better that we're friends," I said, smiling at him. It was the first step in the long process of establishing trust.  
  
"Thanks, Imiyo-san," he said.  
  
"Would you like to come into my office?" I said. "And you can tell me why you came? Usually I get referrals." Which was the truth. My fees were steep, and it took most people quite a while to realize that sometimes an expensive counselor was worth the money. I wondered why Yukito had chosen me, out of everyone.  
  
"Yes, please." He picked up his back, and rose to his feet, following me as I led him to the office. I was careful not to let my eyes linger openly on him, though part of me was very tempted to. Still, he could be paranoid, which was something I saw quite often.   
  
My office was in comforting shades of off-white and green, decorated with various primitive art that I had collected from around the world. I only liked it somewhat, but it often served as a conversation starter. Yuki settled into the chair that was situated directly in the sunlight, something I noted with surprise. For some reason, I thought Yukito would have chosen one of the darker seats- he seemed to be a person of starlight, despite his sunshine colored eyes.   
  
I checked myself, wondering why I was being so fanciful.  
  
I arranged myself in my counselor's chair. It was just a bit larger and more comfortable than the other chairs in the room, giving me dominance. A small mind game, but then that was what my job was about. "So, Yukito-san, do you want to tell me a little bit about yourself? Or do you have any questions for me?" I asked, throwing the ball into his court.  
  
He blinked at me. "Aren't you going to evaluate me. Kata- Imiyo-san?" he asked.  
  
I gave him a slight smile in return. "No, you're here under your own free will. You're paying for this hour, so you can choose how you want to spend it, within reason. I have some clients who come here just to rant about how lousy their month's been. Other people like to debate philosophy. Most people who see me are depressed, have some life problems, or a mental disorder, but I've been trained to deal with quite a lot."  
  
He looked at me, crossing his hands over his lap. "I-" He paused, taking a deep breath. "I recently had my world view changed. It's rather disconcerting."  
  
I nodded. I'd dealt with many people who'd lost their faith and felt unable to speak to their clergy about it. "Religion?" I asked, though Yuki seemed a little young to be experiencing a crisis of faith.  
  
"No, it's more complex." He stared at one of the Native American dreamcatchers I had on my wall, his eyes lingering on the white feathers. "For as long as I can remember, I was an average high school student. Then one day, I met Kinomoto Touya, and his little sister Sakura, and my life changed."  
  
I just smiled a little to show interest, even though I knew this was very important. "They became your friends?" I asked.  
  
"More than that." He was quiet for another one of those lengthy moments. When it became clear he wasn't going to say anything else without prompting, I spoke again.  
  
"Can you tell me a little about them?"  
  
"Sakura's nine years younger than me... she's in six grade now. She's just the cutest thing you ever saw. I always wanted a little sister, and she became mine, even though she had a crush on me forever." He smiled, and I heaved an internal sigh of relief. When he had mentioned Sakura's age, I had wondered if he had a lolicon complex.   
  
"And Touya?"  
  
Yukito gained a blush, but he looked straight at me with no shame. "He's my boyfriend."  
  
Ah. We had a winner, I thought. Yukito was homosexual, and having problems adjusting, I thought. He was very effeminate, and his delicate features made me wonder if people hadn't accused him of being gay all his life. I began to run through all the support groups I knew, and the standard therapy forms for it. "Did your family and friends accept you?" I asked.  
  
His eyes were vulnerable. "Those that know haven't been much of a problem. Well, except for Yue, but..." Yukito seemed to retreat for a second before focusing back on me. "We're quiet about things. If people ask, we don't lie, but there's no reason to join the gay rights movement. We're happy with things the way they are. Sakura and Kinomoto-sensei have been tremendously supportive, and I think that we may be ready to get more serious, someday soon. We've talked about moving in together after college is over, but To-ya wants to stay with his sister as long as he can. Their mother is dead, and she really looks up to him."  
  
I noticed that he wasn't talking about his family anymore. "And your family?" I asked.  
  
"I don't have any..." he said.  
  
I nodded. Had I been of the old school of counseling, I would have furiously been scribbling notes; I would, later, make a summary of the session, but I was among those who believed that people became uncomfortable when they felt their every thought was being recorded. I was tempted to push, but this was just the first session, and our rapport hadn't been established yet. "Is it your relationship with Touya that has changed your thinking?" I asked.  
  
He shook his head. "No, it's-" he hesitated again, took a deep breath, and sighed slightly before meeting my eyes squarely. "It's Yue."  
  
"Who's Yue?" I asked.  
  
"Yue is my other self," he told me. "I'm his false form. Until tenth grade, I didn't exist. He created me to hide himself."  
  
I mentally took a step back to think on what he said. From the look in his eyes, he was being sincere, and telling the truth as he knew it. "Do you want to explain to me a little about this?" I asked, stepping carefully.  
  
Yukito seemed troubled, and some of the good humor fled from his eyes. "I... Yue is the true form of this body. He uses me to hide away."  
  
A while ago, counselors would have labeled such statements as crazy. Now there was another diagnosis: dissociative identity disorder, more popularly called multiple personality disorder. It was rare for a person to realize they had it, and even rarer for them to come out in a first session the way Yukito was. Part of me wondered if it was a hoax, but my instincts led me to trust him.  
  
There was something about Yukito that made a person want to believe everything he said.  
  
"I assume you came to me to discuss Yue?" I asked.  
  
He nodded slowly. "I've been reading a lot of books lately, but... I need to be able to talk to someone. I wake up with blank spaces in my memory and no idea where I've been, and friends tell me about things Yue did that I can't remember. It's scary- and..." he lowered his thick lashes, breaking off.  
  
"I've only dealt with a few multiples before. I think you need to see a specialist if you want to work on integration therapy-" I suggested. One of the most popular therapy techniques was to merge personalities together to create a whole consciousness, something I had never helped with and had only researched lightly. I certainly didn't want to start with Yukito, who was already a rare case.  
  
"No!" he said, sounding almost frantic before calming down. "I mean... that won't work," he added a more politely. "Yue and I will never be co-conscious... or merged. The best I can hope for is coexistence."  
  
"How do you know about Yue?" I asked softly. I wondered if there had been any sort of communication between the alters at all.  
  
"Touya and Sakura told me." His eyes fell onto the artwork, again lingering on the feathers of the dreamcatcher.  
  
The pieces fell into place, about why they were so important. "Does anyone else know?"  
  
"A few people... Sakura's boyfriend, her best friend, and..." he trailed off.  
  
"And?" I prompted.  
  
"I'd rather not say. I'm still not sure what to think about it."  
  
I nodded slowly. "I'm here to help you, Yukito. Still, if you want to learn to co-exist with Yue, you should be aware that not all the therapy will be easy. Some of it might even be painful..."  
  
His smile returned, though there was more sadness than anything else in it this time. "I know... you're going to want to find the cause of my split."  
  
I nodded slowly. "It does no good to treat the symptoms without at least trying to look for the cause."  
  
"Understandable... but sometimes the cause cannot be found."  
  
I let that go... there would be time to pressure him later, if he decided to continue with sessions. "I'd also like to meet Yue..." I said.  
  
Yukito laughed, a surprisingly bitter sound from such a gentle face. "Yue won't want to meet you."  
  
"Why? Doesn't he want to get along better with you?"  
  
"He sees me as a tool, Imiyo-san. If anything happens to me, he'll just create another false form." His eyes were still on the feathers, and I wondered what he found so fascinating. Most people were drawn to color, and the stark whiteness of the feathers was anything but.  
  
I glanced at my watched, noticing that we had run ten minutes over- something I rarely did. I had a good time sense, and managed to keep things on schedule usually, but Yukito had entranced me. I resolved to schedule him as my last client, should he continue to come. "Yukito? I hate to do this, but the hour's gone. I have to get home and walk my dog... she's a therapy dog."  
  
Yukito glanced at his own watch. "We ran late. Do I owe you extra?"  
  
"I charge by the session, not the minute," I chided him gently. "Speaking of sessions, do you want to schedule another? Or is therapy not for you? If you want, you can think on it and call my secretary whenever you feel more comfortable."  
  
"I'd like to continue," he said softly. "I need someone to talk to. And I like you."  
  
"I think you like everyone," I said, rising to get my appointment book so we could work out the time for next session.  
  
"Not everyone," he murmured so softly my ears almost missed it.  
  
We arranged to meet in a week, and exchanged small talk as he headed out the door. With a sigh, I stretched slowly before turning on my tape recorder. My secretary, god bless her soul, would make notes from my dictation since I was a lousy typist.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
September 6.  
  
Just had the first session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Yukito is a young man in college, no family, and homosexual attractions which seem to be no cause of conflict. Boyfriend is Kinomoto Touya, and Touya's younger sister, Sakura, seems to play the role of younger sister to Yukito as well.  
  
The interesting thing about Yukito is he claims to have a case of MPD. Usually I would be skeptical of such openness, but instinct leads me to believe him. I asked to meet "Yue", his alter, and Yukito was not able to produce him. This leads me to more favorable opinion, since many MPDs do not perform on command, contrary to talk show circuit opinion.  
  
A homosexual alter in charge of the body, one who has only existed since tenth grade. I wonder what had inspired the creation of "Yukito" and if Yue, who Yukito called the core, is the true core. I doubt it; the first split should have occurred much younger, and I would wager that there were more personalities Yukito isn't aware of.  
  
One interesting thing is that Yukito claims to be the "false form" of Yue. This wording is of interest to me, as Yukito is a very intelligent young man who has done his own research on the condition and would know the proper term should be alter.  
  
Preliminary diagnoses is probable DID. Yukito should also be monitored for depression. No immediate referrals are being made, as Yukito has already denied integration with Yue. I will start to research support groups for DID in the Tokyo area, particular young adults.  
  
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END PROLOGUE  
  
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Notes:  
  
This is a companion piece to "The One True Thing." Obviously, it's going to be a stand-alone and have about five parts... like I don't have enough projects! Other things are winding down, though, so I felt entitled to this.  
  
MPD/DID is a much-debated condition. I wanted to do this on Yukito because of my psychological background, but remember: the existence of MPD/DID is in debate, much less its therapy!   
  
Questions? Comments? I hope I kept this simple enough to follow... and yes, this will walk the shonen ai side with T/Y/Y in there.  
  
Thanks to Morgan, because she inspired me. I admire her work, and getting a nice letter from her was a cheering moment for me. And yes, this will contain Yue... and maybe avoid the Yue bashing she hated! I like feedback, especially thoughtful feedback! 


	2. Chapter 1

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
Shitsui@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Author's Notes: Credit Xandra for nagging and Lyra for editing.  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
The second time I met Tsukishiro Yukito didn't go as easily as the first.  
  
That tends to be the way of things, I've found. In spite of what some people may think, counselors are human, and we have our bad days, too. Perhaps that's why I wasn't as perceptive as I should have been- but I doubt it. Yukito and Yue are two of the smartest individuals I have ever met, and they easily wove me into their web without even consciously trying.  
  
It would be a week after I would discover that Yukito had pulled me into his reality, and later still that I would find out that reality as I knew it truly didn't exist around Yukito.  
  
But that would be in the next session.  
  
I had had a very long day, and was thinking very much of a long soak in a bath tub, a good movie, and my cat, Miss Lily, cuddling in my lap as I watched it. Still, I knew I had Yukito coming as a final client, and I needed to devote my full attention to him. Having a split personality, as I suspected he did, was a serious problem, and he needed nothing but my best. I did what I could for him, but occasionally a client outsmarts a therapist- not often, since we're trained to watch for it, but I had underestimated Yukito.  
  
I would learn the error of my ways, later. His innocent face hid many more secrets than I dreamed possible... secrets which would lead me to question reality as I knew it. Still, I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
My 6 o'clock had left 10 minutes early, muttering about a dinner dance she had to attend. She was an over-stressed socialite who suffered from a panic disorder and OCD, and I was making slow process with her. Her husband was the one who had issued and ultimatum for her to attend therapy or seek a separation, and she wasn't cooperating very well. I knew that the breakthrough would be quite a while, but building trust between us was taking much longer than I'd've liked. I was considering referring her to a different counselor, since she was on the verge of actively disliking me, but I wasn't sure that was the right step. All in all, it had been an exhausting session.  
  
The timer I kept on my desk went off, and I rose to collect Yukito. I had heard him come in earlier, and I believed in punctuality- some of my clients were obsessed by it. In a few meetings, I would be deliberately late to see how Yukito reacted, but I wasn't at that stage yet. I hated the mind games I played, but in the long run, I needed them.  
  
I had to have the upper hand. Still, at that second meeting, it was Yukito who "won." It's sad that I have to think about winners and losers, but there is a subtle game being played between therapists and clients, and the secrets the clients have are the prize. Yukito protected himself far too well for me to help him.  
  
Yukito was again in the lobby, this time wearing a brown pull-over and jeans that looked like they had been pressed. He was working on advanced trig homework, and I noticed he was nibbling on his pencil absentmindedly as he pounded a bunch of figures into the calculator. He looked up as he saw me entering, snapping the book shut. "Imiyo-san!" he exclaimed. Then his eyes widened slightly. "Are you feeling okay? You look tired."  
  
I blinked twice, unable to stop myself. There was a slight tenseness around my eyes, but it wasn't anything most people would notice; it was subtle. Yukito was perceptive and attuned to other people, which meant I would have to be careful around him. Anything I said could be turned against me. I had the feeling that though he was seeking my help, if he decided something was wrong with my methods, he'd throw back any of my missteps.  
  
"I'm fine. It's called aging," I joked. "Wrinkles... it'll happen to you, too," I teased as he shoved he materials into his bag.  
  
"I'm not so sure," he whispered, but it was barely loud enough for me to hear.  
  
I didn't make an issue of it as we settled into the same seats. Yukito's eyes darted back to the white feathers hanging from the dreamcatchers, and I wondered if I should move it to see what else would capture his attention. "Did you have a nice week?" I asked.  
  
"It was fine," he said. "No different than any other."  
  
It took a bit of effort to keep from frowning at that. That was a cryptic sentence if ever I heard one. "Can you tell me about how your week usually goes?"  
  
He was silent for a second. "Are you starting the therapy now?" he asked.   
  
"I need to know more about you," I replied diplomatically. Most people hated being treated, even ones as cooperative at Yukito.  
  
He nodded. "I usually get up in the morning, and eat. I eat a lot... enough to feed three or four people. It used to be funny, but it's not anymore." His eyes met mine, and I could see it wasn't out of any concern for his weight. "I simply can't stop eating... and though I love how food tastes, it'd be nice to know what it feels like to be full. I spend thousands of yen a day on food." Yukito's eyes wandered around the room, paused on that object I was getting tempted to throw out the window, before returning to my face.  
  
"Why do you think you eat so much?" I asked, pushing a strand of my black hair behind my ear. Some psychologists might say he was compensating for a lack of love in his life, but I was willing to wager that there was another reason. Yukito was not a textbook case; there was no such thing as a textbook case. People were unique to themselves.  
  
"I don't know," he said.  
  
He was lying, my gut told me. I smiled at him and pretended to buy it; now was not the time to confront him. "Really? That's unusual," I said. "People usually have reasons for overeating- compensation for something," I said. "It might be something to think about for our next session."  
  
He agreed, and I got the feeling that he'd agree to it if I suggested anything. He'd find a way out of it, but Yukito was a person who didn't like to disappoint anyone. I was starting to really care about him, and something worried me. There was something dark inside of him, and it wasn't just Yue. A fully-recognized alter, which I believed Yukito himself was, had its own dark side as well.  
  
I waited for a moment to gather my thoughts, before deciding I was ready to press on. "Can you tell me what it is about Yue... About what he looks like?"   
  
"I've never seen him..." Yukito told me softly before resting his hands on his lap. He gave the impression of being utterly at ease, but I saw that his knuckles were beginning to turn white.   
  
I nodded. "Well... Did he ever tell you what he looks like?"   
  
"No. Yue never talks to me. Whenever he comes out, I black out," Yukito informed me, and now the tenseness seemed to be traveling to his eyes.   
  
I thought for a second. "How often does he come out?"   
  
Yukito thought it over before replying. "It depends. He comes out in times of duress, or... Well, he's very fond of the moon. Do you speak Chinese?"   
  
"No, I never learned. I speak English and some Latin," I replied. I wondered where he was leading me.   
  
"'Yue' is Chinese for moon. He has a real affinity for the night and the moon," Yukito said. "Sometimes, usually on clear nights, I'll black out and... Well, wake up somewhere completely different place well into the morning."   
  
"When you black out, do you have any clue what happened when you regain control?" I asked, trying to gauge where he was on the MPD spectrum.   
  
"No. Yue, though, is aware of everything." He met my eyes and there was a deep sorrow in them, and he seemed to be aware of how significant that was.   
  
Yue... Was most likely the core, I realized. Yukito... Was an alter. Yukito hadn't been kidding when he said he'd been "created" around tenth grade. It made me wonder if there were other personalities in his mind, since it was unheard of for the first split to occur so late in life.   
  
The thought made my stomach drop into my feet. I didn't want to believe that the likable young man who sat before me wasn't "real," but I knew that it was probably true. "Yukito" was merely an identity who bore the name of the body, but was not the "original" personality. He was transitory... Someday, he might fade away, when "Yue" decided that "Yukito" had served the function he had been created for. It worried me, but I knew I had to accept it. I hoped that Yukito's boyfriend could, and would be able to understand the person he loved might suffer a strange form of death while his body lived.   
  
"Are you able to communicate with Yue in any way?" I asked.   
  
"He talks to Sakura quite a bit... Sometimes Touya, but mainly Sakura."  
  
I wondered what Yue, this cold being that was gradually evolving in my mind, had to do with a twelve year old girl. I wished I could speak to him. "Would it be possible for you to give her a note to give to him?" I suggested.   
  
He blinked at me, his glasses making the movement look slightly owlish. "Sure.. But... Why would I want to?"   
  
"Because... Ask him to leave you notes when he leaves you somewhere. Start carrying a small reporter's notebook and a pen, and you'll feel a bit better. Keep an emergency kit on you- a phone card, 5000 yen, that notebook, so if you wind up somewhere really weird, at least you're not stranded."   
  
Yukito smiled shyly. "He hasn't stranded me anywhere... Yet."   
  
"Yet..." I pointed out. "But you're afraid he will."   
  
Yukito nodded. "He's so much... Stronger than I am."   
  
I smiled at him gently. "Strength is how we choose to define it, Yukito-san," I told him softly. "We are as strong as we allow ourselves to be. If you think you are weak... then you are weak. If you believe you are strong... then you become so."  
  
He blinked slowly, removing his glasses to polish them on his shirt. Without them, his eyes looked wider and more innocent, and my maternal instincts urged me to promise him everything would be alright; that was the last thing I would ever do. I could never, ever make a promise, since I had no way of knowing what the future would hold for him. "You sound like Sakura-chan. She's always saying... everything's going to be okay," he whispered softly, as though he was reading my mind. "I hate to think of the day when she learns the world isn't a perfect place..."  
  
"We all hate to think of the day when a child is forced to grow up," I agreed, speaking softly. "It's our nature to want to protect those who are innocent."  
  
His amber eyes looked up at me, without the protective shield of his glasses still, and for a second, I almost got lost in the sorrow I saw there. "Sakura and To-ya don't deserve to have that happen to them... though sometimes I wonder how innocent To-ya ever was... he always...." Yukito broke off, and sighed. Then he replaced his glasses, and a wall went up around him.  
  
"Do you want to tell me a little bit about Touya?" I asked curiously.  
  
Yukito blushed and shook his head. "Touya would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. He's an immensely private person."  
  
"It would help me gain a better picture of your life, Yukito-san," I replied, wondering why he was suddenly erecting barriers around himself. I was getting close to something he wanted to keep secret... but what?  
  
He shook his head again. "I'm sorry, Imiyo-san. Some things are private.... Even for me."  
  
I glanced at the clock; we had run over by five minutes. "Yukito, there's a support group for multiples I'd like you-"  
  
"No," he said softly. "I'd rather work one-on-one."  
  
I blinked. He'd been very open at our first session, and I had assumed he would be willing to go; careless of me to make assumptions. "Okay," I agreed. "Shall we say same time next week?"  
  
He agreed, smiling, and the warmth of his expression helped me dismiss some of the uneasiness I felt about the last fifteen minutes of our session.  
  
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September 13  
  
Second session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Some rather interesting developments, none of which should be surprising, though I do find them so.  
  
Yukito reports an unusually large appetite, denied knowing reasons for it when I asked why. I believe him to be lying.  
  
I suspect that Yukito is not the core identity; rather, Yue or some other personality is the true core, and Yukito is merely the controlling alter. .He experiences blackouts whenever Yue takes control, and Yue is known to be fond of doing so without warning. Interestingly, Yue is Chinese for "Moon", and he seems to have a preference for controlling the shared body on clear nights, particular ones with the moons. Yue is also fond of Sakura and to a lesser extent Touya. I do wonder about this; from the way Yukito describes him, the best word to sum Yue up would be "distant".  
  
Yukito is reluctant to speak too much on his relationship with Kinomoto Touya; this actually reassures me that he IS a normal patient. Patients who are too willing to help make me nervous.  
  
  
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Notes:  
  
Again, a focus on Yukito- Yue fans are encouraged to wait a little... he's coming. I prefer to unfold a plot a little more slowly... and then hit people between the eyes with a revelation. 


	3. Chapter 2

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Dedication: This one is for Xannee, part one of a birthday gift. ^_~ It's Dec. 15, but I figured I'd get the word out to everyone who loves her.  
  
  
  
  
CHAPTER TWO  
  
The concept of time is an interesting thing, when you consider it. To most people, it is a linear thing, finite. But to multiples, like Yukito, time can be a scary thing, especially with the blackouts they experience. I tried to understand what it'd be like to not be able to lead a normal life, to have entire gaps in my memory when friends and family would still interact with me, and yet have no control over myself...   
  
It was terrifying.   
  
Still, time passes for all of us, and before I knew it, the week had gone by, and my next session with Yukito had arrived. I had taken some time to consider a strategy for dealing with him, and was prepared... or so I thought.   
  
He was still three steps ahead of me, even though it would take me weeks to realize it.   
  
I walked out into the waiting room, and to my surprise, it was dark. I wondered if he had abandoned the idea of sessions; not that uncommon, though disappointing. Yukito had come willingly, so I had no way of calling him back, even though I knew he desperately needed help. I nibbled on my lip, wondering if I should call his house and see if he had left.   
  
"Imiyo-san?" a soft voice said. I blinked, nearly jumping out of my skin.   
  
"Yukito-san!" I exclaimed, trying to not let on just how much he had frightened me. "What are you doing here, sitting in the dark?" I demanded, looking at the corner of the room where he reclined. Now that I knew he was there, I saw him, lit by the early evening moonlight. His features, already pale, were bleached to nearly white, and I had the weird feeling that he was some otherworldly creature.   
  
"I'm sorry..." he apologized, sounding genuinely contrite, "I hadn't noticed. I have very good night vision..." I heard the flutter of pages as he shut a book and buried it into his bag.   
  
"You were reading?" I asked. "That's not good for your eyes, and you already wear glasses," I chided him.   
  
He laughed softly. "My vision's not that bad... And Yue doesn't even wear glasses, from what I understand. His eyes are even a different color than mine."   
  
I blinked, wondering. This was more evidence that Yue was, indeed, a fully-recognized alter, if not the core. Sometimes it happened that alters had different vision, and even different eye colors. "What color?" I asked, trying to imagine. Probably a dark brown, I imagined. Or maybe even a hazel...   
  
"Blue," Yukito replied. "Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen."   
  
I wondered how that was possible. There were just certain pigments in the eyes that remained, and though Yukito would certainly look striking with blue eyes, I questioned how they could shift that far. "I'd still like to meet Yue..." I said, venturing bravely. "Can you-"   
  
Yukito shook his head. "He won't like you."   
  
I had been expecting that. "It was a suggestion. Anyway, shall we begin our session?"   
  
Yukito agreed, and we went into my office.   
  
I haven't taken down the dreamcatchers with white feathers, and Yukito seemed as drawn to them as before. He golden eyes lingered on them, and I wondered, not for the first time, what he found so fascinating about them. The symbolism? The white? Did the feathers hold some particular meaning for him?   
  
Or was he just avoiding me?   
  
"How have you been, lately?" I asked, opening up the session with a question which I would try to make our routine. It put the ball into his court, and allowed him to dictate the pace of the session; he could give me the social answer, or he could give me a true answer. After the last session, I was curious as to how he'd respond. I knew now that he was the embodiment of the phrase "still waters run deep." He had lied to me, and though I hadn't had the confidence to call him on it, for fear he'd break off sessions, I knew that there was more to Yukito than just a smiling face... and I didn't mean just Yue.   
  
Yukito had others troubles, the same troubles that a normal person did.   
  
He actually took the time to consider the question. "I've been... Well, things seem to be in a state of equilibrium. Thanks for suggesting the note thing... It's really helping. Yue's only come out twice since, but both times he's left notes..." His eyes darkened. "His handwriting is different than mine. Even though I knew intellectually to expect that, for some reason, I hadn't been prepared emotionally for it. I really... Am only part of someone else."   
  
Offering comfort is not a luxury a councilor is allowed. Honesty is something we cherish, and we try never to lie outright. "That may be the case, Yukito... But just because you're an alter doesn't mean you're not a person in and of yourself," I said, trying to take the middle road. "You've refused to let me help you try integration... So you have to accept that you will never be a complete person. Maybe someday you and Yue can understand each other... And see where the split occurred."   
  
Yukito lowered his dark lashes to shade his eyes from me- they were nearly black, a stunning contrast to his pale skin and silver hair, and had he been a girl, I would have assumed they were false. When he looked up again, he seemed to be serene again. "The split? That's... Complicated. I don't remember it, and I don't think Yue knows the details of it either... Merely that I am necessary for him to function in the mundane world."   
  
Yukito was sparking my curiosity about Yue, naturally enough. Still, this session was about Yukito, and I had to walk that line. "Most people who have multiple personalities form different personalities..."   
  
"...to cope with various tasks life challenges them with," Yukito inserted, interrupting me.   
  
I hid my surprise at his rudeness. He was so soft-spoken that I hadn't thought him capable of being impolite. He was so Japanese, so proper, that I expected him to play by the rules, even though I knew he was a multiple.   
  
Then again, multiples followed no rules, and I needed to remember that. Behind his sweet face, turmoil had to lie. Only severe trauma, usually sexual in nature, could lead to the splits that made a multiple.   
  
I nodded. "That's what most psychologists believe." I took a sip of the tea I had set out before the session, wondering if I dared to venture more deeply into the subject, and then deciding to take the chance. "The mind is a very powerful thing, Yukito-san. It can create its own version of reality. There's been cases of mothers lifting cars off their children, and people have been known to get better simply because they believe they will. Mind over matter works sometimes... Many people believe that multi-personalities arise from the mind believing they exist."   
  
"It's all in my head, you're saying..." he said, and I heard a hint of bitterness in his voice, which sounded wrong in his melodic alto.   
  
I knew I was losing him, and the tenuous trust we had managed to build. "Yes and no. All of our perceptions of the world are in our mind... As are our personalities. I'm not denying that your problems are real; they are. The source of them, though, sprang from your mind and how it chose to cope with a stressor at some point in your life. Your mind create you; therefore you exist."   
  
"I think... Therefore I am?" he asked softly.   
  
I nodded. "That's it exactly. You are real as I am. If it was Yue who created you, he believes in your existence. Therefore, you are real." I looked at him directly. "You've stated that Touya and Sakura have met Yue before... Don't they acknowledge the difference?" I was taking a gamble, but from what he had told me, I believed that it was worth it.   
  
He nodded slowly, and a faint blush touched his white cheeks. "Sakura... she loves me- well, it was a child's crush that she's grown out of." His eyes shone slightly. "It's a bit flattering that someone as sweet as she would choose me for her first love."   
  
I smiled at him. "It's always nice to be liked. What does she think of Yue?"   
  
"Awe... A bit of fear, and caring, but she cares for everyone. Definitely different from how she sees me."   
  
I wondered how it was, to love someone and be afraid of their other personality. Sakura had to be a very special person, to deal with Yukito. Still, it wasn't her who I needed to truly know about. While Sakura was an important person to him, it was Kinomoto Touya who truly was the key to Yukito.   
  
"And Touya?"   
  
"To-ya?" I noticed the breathy pause Yukito used, and I remembered I had heard it before. "To-ya... Is a bit more difficult to understand. Sometimes I think I know exactly what he thinks; others he could be as distant as the stars."   
  
I barely kept from saying that Yukito was probably out in space with him, so they made a good pair. My patient had grown vague again, and he was staring at the dreamcatcher again, though this time, I knew he wasn't seeing it. "Tell me about Touya, then."   
  
"He's... Well, Touya's perfect." Yukito smiled gently. "He always has a way of knowing things you don't want him to, but he never uses it against you. He loves Sakura-chan very much, but I'm his most special person. He'd die for me... And I'd die for him." Yukito's eyes grew serious before he finished. "He's strong and gentle, has a wicked sense of humor, and is fierce in his devotion."   
  
I smiled; it sounded like Touya was a creature of earth and fire to Yukito's water and air. They would be perfect complements. "How serious are you?"   
  
"When we're together, there's nothing else," Yukito told me. "Nothing else matters except us." He gave me another smile.   
  
I look at him, wondering if this was the bloom of first love, or something stronger. With all the suffering Yukito had known, whether he was aware of it or not, I hoped it was stable. "How strong is your relationship?"   
  
Yukito's smile faded slightly. "We've sworn to never let anything - especially not Yue - come between us."   
  
I stared at him as he rose to his feet. "I've got to get going. I'm going to be late - I'm going over to Touya's house to study for a chem test."   
  
I waved at him. "Same time next week?"   
  
"Sure!" He called over his shoulder. He vanished out the door, and I watched, wondering why he hadn't told me what Touya thought of Yue.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^   
  
September 20   
  
Third session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues with therapy, though I'm still skeptical over how well he's really doing.   
  
He's a very bright, upbeat young man, but I've found that still waters do run deep. How deep Yukito runs, I don't know, but I have the feeling he's on a collision course for something he doesn't want to admit to me. This is just my gut instinct; everything is proceeding smoothly in therapy. I really should be glad he is so cooperative.   
  
Yukito reports an equilibrium with Yue. Notes are being exchanged, which means communication lines have been opened. Yukito is also struggling to accept the situation - while he intellectually realizes he is a multiple, coming to the emotional acceptance of that reality will be much harder for him.   
  
Yukito has confirmed that Yue has different colored eyes. Yue's eyes are reported to be ice-blue; since Yukito's are the color of my favorite brandy, this is a bit surprising since I didn't believe it possible. I know multiples may not share the same eye colors, but...   
  
The key to helping Yukito may well be Kinomoto Touya. While he has admitted Sakura has acknowledged the difference between Yue and himself, he will not elaborate on Touya, neatly evading the issue. Touya is the most important person to him... I believe he referred to him as his... "special person."   
  
Therapy will continue next week. I plan on introducing Yukito to "The One True Thing" and seeing if mutual trust will work.   
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Notes: Another part down. We're getting somewhere, and Imiyo is getting deeper and deeper into a place she doesn't understand. I've decided that this is a companion to "The One True Thing" but I'm not going to use that as a bible- why get in the way of a good story? Still, I'm having fun with this.... Poor Imiyo has no clue how right and how wrong she is.  
  
Thanks to Krys for beta-ing. As always, all mistakes are mine.  
  
Feedback is manna from heaven. 


	4. Chapter 3

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Dedication: This one is for me. Because I need to remind myself that I write for me as well.  
  
CHAPTER THREE  
  
  
I heard the door to the lobby open, and instead of going to get him, I decided to let Yukito make his own way in. "I'm in my office! Come on in!" I called, frantically scribbling notes from my last appointment. The OCD socialite had tried my patience, challenging me at every turn, and I was looking forward to Yukito's gentleness.   
  
He appeared moments later, swinging his bag a bit as he popped into the room with amazing energy. His smile was warm as he waved and headed over to a chair, settling himself after glancing at the dreamcatcher on the wall. I hadn't given into the temptation to move it, though the devil in me had had to be ruthlessly suppressed.   
  
He blinked a bit, trying to adjust to the dim lighting of the room. "Hello, Imiyo-san."   
  
I gave him a relieved grin as I shoved Kanna's file into a drawer. "Hi, Yukito-san!" I rose to my feet and walked across the room with relative grace, pausing to grab my cup of lukewarm green tea from the windowsill where I had left it. "How are you feeling?" I asked.   
  
He rolled his eyes a bit. "Could be better. Getting over a winter cold - I always get them this time of year, and I just had a killer test in calculus. I really hate calculus." He frowned a bit. "Everyone thinks I'm naturally gifted at school, but I do have to spend a lot of time studying."   
  
"You don't like math?" I asked curiously.   
  
He grinned a bit. "I like it!" he protested. "I just hate this unit. I'm rather of the opinion that Sir Isaac Newton should have been been dragged into the street and shot... Repeatedly."   
  
Laughter burbled out of me. "I didn't know you were so violent!" I teased.   
  
"I'm not. But when you put imaginary numbers in front of me, I make an exception."   
  
I placed my finger against my chin thoughtfully. "It's strange how people surprise you. I would have thought you'd like math... It's logical."   
  
"Logic is one of the last things that enters into my life," Yukito said quietly.   
  
"Care to expand on that?" I prodded.   
  
"Not really." He seemed reflective before speaking again. "It's been a long week. I feel a bit numb mentally, actually. Too much stress."   
  
"Then how about a game?" I suggested. I had been waiting for an opening.   
  
He shifted forward, his eyes lighting up a bit. "A game?"   
  
I had instinctively sensed that Yukito would be up for games. There was something playful about the way he rose to my teasing. "Well, it's a version of truth or dare, actually... But since I'm a counselor, it's all about truth," I said.   
  
He fell back into the chair, and I saw him curl into himself. "Truth is a frightening thing."   
  
I wasn't surprised he realized it. Many of my clients did, since they had known trauma. It was only the innocent who didn't realize the dangerous nature of truth. "And that's what makes the game exciting," I said. I took a sip of my tea, swirling around the bit that remained in the bottom of the cup. "The challenge is to answer with the truth... That's the dare."   
  
"What are the rules?" he asked reasonably enough.   
  
He was biting, I thought.   
  
"The rules are simple. Usually I use it in group sessions, but since we're playing together, we'll up the ante a bit. I'm going to play, so we'll just ask each other. The game is called 'The One True Thing' and it begins by a player stating a true thing about themselves. The other responds with a true statement on the same topic. It's pretty easy... And hard."   
  
He considered it, and I knew he was smart enough to see all the angles right off. "It's a trust game - and a game of wits. Reveal as little about yourself while getting the other to state more about themselves."   
  
I nodded to encourage him. "We can also ask a bit more, to elaborate, if we're curious, but after you state the truth, you don't have to do anything more."   
  
"We take turns starting?"   
  
"Yes. I'll begin to show you the way it works. All statements begin with 'The One True thing..."   
  
"Kind of like jeopardy!" Yukito exclaimed, and this time his laughter was a bit forced.   
  
"I hope you don't feel this is like that! This is supposed to build trust between us. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, we can stop, but it will push the boundaries of your comfort zone a little. We won't get anywhere with your therapy if we don't take a moment to explore yourself - and yes, that will make you uncomfortable at times. Self discovery is not a smooth path."   
  
"What about you, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and I smiled at the concern in his eyes. "If you're sharing truths..."   
  
"Yukito, to be a therapist, I have to know myself. I know about the dark and shallow parts of myself, and I've reconciled myself to them."   
  
He nodded, and gave me that sweet smile of his that was so appealingly innocent. "I'll play."   
  
Success! I thought. It was through years of training that I didn't grin.  
  
"The one true thing is that my favorite flowers are roses." I grinned. "We'll start easy."   
  
"What color?" he asked. A devil of mischief lit his eye, and I could tell he was going to get into the spirit of the game. He played fully.   
  
"Any!" I answered. "Though I prefer people to give them to me... They're expensive."   
  
"Why not grow them yourself?" he suggested. "There's a satisfaction in nurturing them."  
  
"I have the proverbial black thumb... No, it's worse than that. I look at a plant the wrong way and it starts withering in protest." He tried to smother his laughter behind his hand to be polite, but I waved a negligent hand. "Oh, go ahead and laugh."   
  
He finally gave in and I found his laughter melodic and pleasant. "I - I... The one true thing is that my favorite flowers are snowdrops."   
  
"Snowdrops? That's a bit different," I commented. "Most people like orchids or roses or lilies... Something mainstream!"   
  
Yukito blushed a bit. "I like them... What can I say? Many of my friends like Nadeshiko."   
  
"It's the town flower... We're often fond of what we're exposed to... Or have good memories of."   
  
He smiled at me, and there was a teasing edge to it. "Do you have good memories of roses, Imiyo-san?"   
  
I smirked. "Not like that! We're playing a game, Yukito... You'll have to try to get it out of me with a properly placed truth!"   
  
"Oh... So it's my turn to begin with a truth?"   
  
"I started the last round, so yes." I glanced into my teacup, shrugged a bit, before emptying the cold liquid into the nearby plant.   
  
"Imiyo-san! It's no wonder you kill plants!" Yukito said. He rose to his feet, walking over to my abused plant, forgetting about our game.   
  
"There wasn't any cream or sugar in it... It was just tea!" I protested. His censure caused me to blush a bit. I had made him blush. Now he was having revenge without even trying.   
  
"Plants can tell if you care about them..." he said, and he brushed his fingertips over it gently. To my amazement, the plant seemed to lean towards his touch... I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I should get my glasses out. I only wore them to read, but sometimes late in the evening I wore them constantly. I was a stubborn old lady, too vain to admit she was aging.   
  
"Well, I have the cleaning service take of them..." I said, feeling a bit like a chastised child. There was something about his gentle reproach I found more daunting than ten screaming patients. He sighed and caressed the leaf gently.   
  
"I think you've made up your mind that plants and you don't get along... It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat them a bit nicer, they'll respond better. I know you like animals... You said you had a therapy dog, so you must." He sighed and turned back to his chair. "The one true thing about me is that I love everything, probably too much," he said gently.   
  
Yukito was fragile at that moment, and if I pounced, I would be able to wring amazing amounts of information from him, destroying the bonds of trust we were building in the process. I decided to play by the rules, for now. Another opportunity would come, though I did wonder what he meant by loving things too much.   
  
"The one true thing is that while I love, I guard my heart from those who would hurt me." I revealed that intensely personal truth, intending to show that I wanted to play fair.   
  
He was silent at that for a while. "How can you love, when you protect yourself?" he asked after a minute.   
  
"Love is something that defies description. We can love others without letting them love us... I'm like that. When I was twenty, I lost my fiancé to a car accident."   
  
"I'm sorry," he said, and from the look in his eyes, I could tell it wasn't empty condolences. He genuinely empathized with me.   
  
"It was a while ago, Yukito-san. I've come to terms with it." My eyes were sharp as I studied him. "If we do not know sorrow in our lives, we cannot care for others."   
  
"That's true," he said softly. "A child loves innocently, but an adult loves completely. Somehow an adult's love seems deeper, for they know the consequences of sorrow."   
  
"To love is to take a risk. I've taken that risk before... Maybe someday, when I meet a special person again, I'll make that decision to take it again." I shrugged a bit. "Most likely not. Shinobu was my most important person... I continue to live, but there will never be another to take his place. Ours was a great romance. I was lucky to have known him."   
  
"Don't you get lonely?"   
  
I quirked an eyebrow. "No, I think we'll get back to the game," I pointed out primly.   
  
He snapped his fingers with mock frustration. "Darn it. Well, you're up."   
  
I giggled a bit, even though I hated the way it sounded. Middle-aged women should not giggle; it was undignified. "The one true thing about me is that I'm at peace with myself."   
  
He stared a bit resentfully. "That's just evil."   
  
"I'm playing hardball, Yukito. You got me on the last one. My turn."   
  
He went still, a kind of perfect stillness that made me examine him closely to see if I could even see him breathing. His eyes didn't blink, and I couldn't detect any movement at all, something eerie. "You were talking about comfort zones... This tests mine," he said, breaking the moment. "The one true thing is that I don't know what peace is anymore." His eyes were drawn to the dreamcatcher, and the stillness returned, although it wasn't as complete as before.   
  
"Did you ever?" I asked, wondering if I was pushing him too hard. Then Yukito drew his eyes away from those feathers to focus on my face.   
  
"I used to think I did, but that was before I knew about Yue. And before Touya and I accepted we were...as we were. It was when I believed in the false memories of my childhood."   
  
I wondered about those. False memories? That didn't jive with what I knew of multiples. I'd have to do some research, again. I'd been reading up on the condition, of course, but a month of reading didn't make up for actual experience. Yukito was an exception to many rules. "Peace is how we define it," I told him gently.  
  
"And some of us have dictionaries in different languages," he retorted, and I wondered if he was joking or not.   
  
"Maybe. Peace is something we all strive for. I didn't say I KNEW peace... I said I was AT peace... I've accepted what I am... I think you're here to accept the shadowy part of yourself."   
  
"To accept Yue?" Yukito said, and I saw a line tighten in his brow. He was angry, and I smiled inside. Good. We were making progress. Yukito's sense of self was being roused.   
  
"No. To accept Yukito." I stared him down. "You're not happy with something about Yukito, not just Yue. There's more to you than your struggle with Yue... You're more complex than that." I waited for his reaction.   
  
"The one true thing about me is that I'm not just a smiling face," he returned, and his voice was level, and for a second I almost thought I saw a flash of blue in his eyes; something I must have imagined, since there was no other sign of Yue appearing. This was still Yukito, my instincts told me, not his other self.   
  
"What are you, then?" I asked.   
  
"I am... a friend. Everyone sees me as a smile, someone always willing to laugh and who loves to eat. A laughing person who's good at everything, who everyone likes. Someone gentle, who would never hurt anyone... But that's not true." He clenched his fist, and I had to steel myself to keep from drawing away.   
  
"The truth?" I asked.   
  
The game was forgotten as he met my eyes. "The truth is I could hurt anyone who threatened those in my charge. Maybe... Even kill them. I think I could."   
  
The phrasing, again, was strange. Sometimes Yukito used strange turns of phrase that I found charming, but this time, I found it ominous.   
  
The clock chimed eight, and I realized that our session was over. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or not.   
  
Who would you kill for, Yukito? Touya? Sakura? I wondered as I rose to gather my appointment book.   
  
"Yukito, if you want, we can play next week. We didn't really get too far... We kept sidetracking each other," I said softly.   
  
He shook his head. "The game's fun, but... a bit wearing. Maybe some other time, but I think I need some time to think. I said a lot of things I didn't mean to. Which is the purpose of the game, I bet."   
  
I nodded. "It is. Next week?"   
  
"Of course. Don't kill your plants, okay?" He stood and walked over to the plant I had unintentionally abused. "If you're kind to it, it'll grow."   
  
And so will you, I thought as I penciled in Yukito's name for our usual time. But what will you grow into?   
  
^^^^^^   
  
September 20   
  
Fourth Session with patient Tsukishiro Yukito. Progress continues sporadically.  
  
We hardly covered anything about Yue; acceptable, as this was a trust building session, as I had planned. Patient agreed to play the One True Thing, and though he was perceptive of the hidden nature of the game, he threw himself into it. Was quite clever; he weaseled some information out of me I don't normally talk about.  
  
Yukito is indeed a fully recognized alter. There are shadows inside of him, and I'm relieved to see that he does have self-defense mechanism of his own, rather than just switching to another alter. I tried some mild confrontation, and he responded to the stimulus in normal, and acceptable, fashion. Also is very fond of plants... must make a note to not abuse them.  
  
The dreamcatcher on my wall fascinates Yukito for some reason. I haven't actually determined why, but it's starting to annoy me. I've never seen anyone with such a fixation with a decoration. I'm seriously thinking about redecorating... but since it seems to offer Yukito comfort; that would be childish. When our trust is more established, I'll ask him about it.  
  
He did say one thing that struck me as odd... a reference to false memories. I'll need to research this, but I don't believe it's part of his condition. Multiples suffer from blackouts, not created memories.   
  
Next week is a Himitsu week. We'll see how he likes my little secret....  
  
^^^^^^  
  
Notes: Yukito's fav flower is canon. His ease with Imiyo's plants - well, since wood is under Yue, I made an assumption that Yukito would likely have some abilities with them as well! Imiyo's understand of Yukito's nature as an MPD (as she believes) is less than perfect as it is not her specialty. She DID try to redirect him in the first session, but he was stubborn. ^_~ Also, some people have wondered about her style - she's eclectic. She uses bits from many schools of psychological thought... basically whatever works!  
  
Credits: With a psychological twister like this, the writer needs help to keep from getting lost! Thanks to Krys for being a beta - finally a girl who can keep up with me and follow my convoluted thinking! Special thanks to Xannee for introducing us! Also credit to Lyra for being there to help me in my time of computer need! More thanks to Gold (and Krys again!) for her Yukito/Yue philosophy off the CLAMPesque ML. It really DOES help. Thanks to the especially informative thoughts and comments of Raye Johnsen, Sophia Prestor, KnightHunter, Verna, Lau, Mateem Bluewing, TamChronin and Desdra! Would I had room to list everyone who made me smile these past three weeks, but I really appreciate the comments you've all sent! Remember, feedback is the salary of fanfic writers! 


	5. Chapter 4

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Dedication: For Mehg. Because I admire her tremendously... she knows what surviving is.  
  
CHAPTER FOUR  
  
  
I met Yukito in the lobby instead of calling him into my office since I had to warn him of something about this session.   
  
He was curled up in the chair, and I was relieved that he was reading by a lamp. I was glad, because as we moved into October, the daylight hours were growing shorter. Despite his reassurances, I worried about him damaging his eyesight.   
  
"What are you reading this time?" I asked curiously.   
  
He jumped a bit, apparently startled by my presence. "Um, The Republic," he said. "Government class."   
  
"Heavy reading," I said. "Don't you ever read anything for pleasure?"   
  
"I'm a college student. Pleasure reading went out the window along with doing laundry," he said teasingly.   
  
I raised an eyebrow at his clean, pressed clothing and he gave me that innocent look that I was starting to see through. "I don't buy that..."   
  
He just shrugged a bit and put his book away. "It's prioritizing. If I study while I'm forced to wait, I can spend time with my friends and have time for other activities when I need to."   
  
"Makes sense. Well, least I know you can read that." I pointed to a sign on the wall.   
  
He leaned forward a bit, raising a hand to shift his glasses out of habit. "A licensed therapy dog works here..." he read aloud. "Wait... Do you mean you brought your dog in today, Imiyo-san?" he asked, and he sounded delighted.   
  
I nodded. "Her name is Himitsu. I usually bring her in on Mondays, but every now and then she joins me on other days. Today happened to be one of them." I grinned as I remembered the socialite kicking off her shoes to play with her. It had been amazing, the transition. Kanna was going to have to get a dog. "If you don't like animals, I have a pen in my secretary's office where she spends time. It's okay - some of my clients don't like dogs."   
  
He shook his head, and I could see him almost bouncing with enthusiasm. "I love pets! I always wanted one when I was little, but my grandparents wouldn't let me have one..." Again, he was contradicting himself. Yukito had stated earlier that he hadn't existed until tenth grade... Did he have the memories of some other personality, or were they created memories? Just how complete was the Yukito alter? How much of the original personality did he contain.... How close was he to the core? I pushed the questions to the back of my mind, knowing that I should consider them when he wasn't around.  
  
"I'm sure you'll like Himitsu," I said as I led him towards my office. "She's a golden lab. Once every two weeks we go to hospitals and visit patients there... She's amazingly gentle."   
  
"I've heard about therapy animals. And I know animals are wonderful companions. They'll never betray you," he said softly.   
  
My hand hesitated over the doorknob. "Have you been betrayed before?"   
  
"I think life is full of betrayals, great and small," he replied. "It's how we deal with them that determines who we become."   
  
I wanted to press him on it, but the hallway wasn't the place, especially since the session hadn't officially begun. I sighed inwardly in frustration and pushed the door open. "Himitsu, come and meet Yukito-san," I called.   
  
The beautiful golden lab who had been my companion for six years rose off her doggie bed and came over, her dark eyes sparkling. Yukito held his hand out for her to sniff, and she took his scent before placing her head under it, obviously approving of the young man.   
  
"Hello, Himitsu-san. It's nice to meet you," he said, and he looked directly at her. Yukito was talking to her, and there seemed to be genuine communication between them. "She likes you," I said. "She's trained to like people, but it's genuine." I watched her lean against his long legs and smiled as I headed toward my chair, grabbing the cup of tea I had prepared just before he had arrived. Hopefully, I could refrain from dumping it on my plants in his presence. "If you're not careful, she'll be all over you!" I warned him.   
  
"It's fine!" he declared, sinking to the floor to bury his hands in her long fur. His smile was bright and childlike and I could see that Himitsu was responding well to him when he rubbed behind her right ear. "Why did you name her Himitsu? I'd think that's a better name for a cat..."   
  
I grinned. "My cat's name is Miss Lily," I said. "Himitsu... Well, we all have secrets, and she's a better listener than my cat. So she's my secret, since she never tells."   
  
He thought on that, before nodding in agreement. "I think we all have people who keep our secrets."   
  
"Do you? Aside from me, that is? Do you have a friend who keeps secrets for you?"   
  
"To-ya." Yukito sighed a bit. "He knows me better than I know myself. He kept trying to tell me about Yue before I even knew," he murmured, and I swiveled in my chair to watch him, since he had apparently decided to make himself at home on the floor with Himitsu - two clients in a row choosing the dog over a chair. Himitsu was doing great today.  
  
"Often times a family member or friend suspects the existence of MPD before the person. Did he formally meet Yue, or just have suspicions?"   
  
"I... Well, I think he saw Yue, but they never really interacted. He confronted me, and it brought Yue out."   
  
"So Yue will come out on command? I mean, you can summon him?" I asked curiously.   
  
Yukito looked a bit nervous. "I wouldn't put it like that. Yue's strong-willed. He came out because he chose to, not because he was asked to."   
  
"Can you ask him to?"   
  
"He won't meet you, Imiyo-san," he said firmly. "He's not into this therapy thing."   
  
"I didn't mean that," I said hastily. "You've made it clear that he wouldn't meet me. I mean, can YOU ask him to come out? If you feel stressed, or maybe you're uncomfortable with a situation? Can you ask Yue to come out and take over?" I asked.   
  
Yukito's hands stilled. "I wouldn't want to. There's no reason for me to run from life. Living may be difficult, but it's my life, and I don't run from things." He laughed as Himitsu butted against him to encourage him to continue. "Sorry, Himitsu-san!" Though he was gentle, Yukito wasn't weak, I noted with satisfaction. He wasn't the personality Yue was protecting. I remembered the ruthlessness he had displayed at the end of our last session, the knowledge that he could kill. That was within most of us, that primitive side, but for Yukito to recognize it was something.   
  
I was musing on that when I noticed a rather large white bandage on Yukito's hand. It covered most of his thumb and looked out of place on his slender hands.   
  
He noticed me looking and blushed a bit. "Accident," he murmured.   
  
"Really?" I wondered. "It looked pretty bad, it you have all that gauze on it."   
  
"Kitchen knife... I'll have a bit of a scar, but it should heal fine." His eyes avoided mine, and I knew he wanted to avoid telling me the truth about this.   
  
To press or not to press? I thought, then decided to go for it. "Yukito-san... What kind of 'accident?'" I asked, quirking an eyebrow. My expression made it clear that I wasn't buying his lame excuses.   
  
"Um..." and he blushed. The crimson stood out against his pale cheeks, and I was struck, not for the first time, but his beauty. He wasn't handsome; he transcended it. If I had been twenty years younger, I would have been in danger of gaining a serious crush. Now I could admire him with the detached interest of an art lover, his striking looks fascinating, but not tempting me.   
  
"Yukito..." I repeated to get his attention, and by dropping the honorific, I made it clear that I wanted answers.   
  
"igdfdds," he muttered, and he looked supremely embarrassed.   
  
"Yukito, I'm old. You need to speak clearly," I told him sternly.   
  
He stared down into Himitsu's fur with embarrassment. "To-ya and I got drunk."   
  
I blinked at him a bit. Then I took a deep breath, trying to think what to say. "You... Got drunk..." I echoed. I wasn't his judge, but from what I knew of Yukito, it sounded decidedly out of character. He was so clean cut that he practically shone.   
  
"Isn't that what I just said?" he asked a bit testily. "I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon... I had the worst hangover. To-ya, of course, got off without anything." He seemed a bit disgruntled, not that I blamed him. I remembered my wilder days, and part of the fun of getting drunk was the shared misery the morning after.   
  
"Okay. You got drunk... Since you're not on any medications that I know of and you do have the brains not to drink and drive, that's not a problem. Usually I let people keep their drunken antics out of the therapy room, since they tend to be a bit embarrassing and unless you have a drinking problem, it's normal enough to indulge. But - how the heck did you end up hurting yourself?" I demanded.   
  
He somehow managed to shift himself around so Himitsu was between us. Great... Use my dog as a shield... I thought sarcastically. I'm not that scary, am I?   
  
"Well..." He started, and from the way his eyes shifted upwards, I could tell he was about to lie.   
  
"Don't lie. Yukito, tell me you don't want to say anything, but don't lie to me," I told him softly. It was time to start confronting him, I knew. I wasn't ready to start tearing down the large lies I knew he had been telling, but I knew that the little untruths had to go.   
  
He looked startled, then raised a finger to his nose to push his glasses up. "It's... Okay to say nothing?"   
  
"Sometimes we can keep secrets," I told him. "But you're here because you've been keeping secrets until you thought you were ready to burst..." I told him.   
  
I studied the delicate young man who sat curled on the floor with the golden lab, and wondered why he couldn't be as pure and perfect as he looked. "My entire life has been a secret," he said. "I wish..." he started, then stopped to start again a moment later. "But how do you know what the truth is?"   
  
"You don't. There is no such thing as absolute truth, merely interpretations of what's happening around us." I took a sip of my tea, and waved a hand around my room. "Everything, our reality, is a matter of perception... But we begin to perceive by telling what we believe our truth is to others. By sharing ourselves with others, we relieve the pressure of falsehood and darkness."   
  
Yukito seemed to have thought of that already. "I'm a creature of the darkness... I was never meant to be truthful," he said softly. "At least... A part of me is."   
  
"What do you mean?" I asked.   
  
He shut his eyes, and I could see that he was struggling to find the right words to express himself. "Do you know about the yin yang?" he asked.   
  
"You mean the little squiggly symbol?" I asked. "Sure. I used to wear them all the time when they were in fashion," I replied, deliberately playing dense. I knew he meant a bit more by what he was saying, but I needed him to explain it to me, rather than letting him take the easy way.   
  
He frowned a bit. "It's more than that. It's about balance. Between darkness and light, cold and hot, male and female, action and inaction."   
  
I tilted my head. "Do you strive to achieve that balance?"   
  
Yukito seemed incredibly sad for some reason. "It's impossible. Yue was created to be one side of that balance... And I came from him." He stroked Himitsu, who lay against his leg, her breathing calm and even as she looked at him without judgement.   
  
"What side of the balance?" I asked after reflecting on what he said.   
  
"What do you think?" he replied softly, and a mysterious smile played at his lips.   
  
"I won't answer that for you," I told him. "That's too close to judging you... And I think you already have your own answer."   
  
"I do." He sighed, and stared at his hand.   
  
I sighed right back at him and looked at the injury. "Are you going to tell me how you got that? Aside from the drunk bit? Or were you so sloshed you don't remember?"   
  
"Maybe I should start by telling a small truth," he mused. He smiled at me, and this time, there was no darkness in it. "I was... A bit out of control. A bit angry about how my life is, how Yue always has control. And so I wanted to do something outlandish... Something to lash out."   
  
I kept my face neutral, while flinching a bit inside. Oh, lord, I thought. He's becoming self-destructive. I hadn't foreseen it.... I'd thought him more in control and more stable...   
  
"So I had To-ya over. Well, I kind of made him drink some sake with me... The strongest stuff I could find."   
  
"Uh-huh..." I nodded, while wincing even more inside. Yukito was so small - he must have been drunk after three sips.   
  
"Well, eventually I started raging. I'm not a nice drunk, apparently."   
  
I sniggered a bit mentally. "Alcohol lowers our inhibitions."   
  
"I know. I started raging about how I hated Yue... and how I hated not being real. To-ya..." Yukito shut his eyes, and cradled his hand and his chest protectively. "He grabbed a knife I had taken up for cutting some food, and he cut himself... Then he cut me."   
  
I stared at him. "Yukito!"   
  
"It wasn't abuse... It was to make a point." He stared at his fingers as though they fascinated him. "I'm human. He held our hands together, and our blood was the same color... I never realized that before."   
  
I looked at Yukito, and it was then I realized how distant from the rest of humanity he must feel. Rising from my chair, I set aside my cup, and went over to where he sat with Himitsu, violating one of the unspoken rules of counseling. Never touch a client.   
  
"Yukito... We all sometimes feel apart from those we love... and blood is the very essence of life. But... can you promise me not to study yours?" I asked hesitantly.   
  
He looked at me. "You're worried I'll start cutting," he said. He removed his good hand from Himitsu's head, and took mine. His hands were cool, making me think instantly of the old saying, 'cold hands, warm heart.'   
  
"Yes."   
  
He studied me before his smile bloomed. "I won't. I... learned what I needed to."   
  
"I'll keep you to that," I said, taking his chin in my palm so I could stare him down. "Just this once, I'll let it slide, but I don't want you getting hurt again."   
  
His smile seemed brilliant as he left Himitsu so he could lean over and hug me, a clear breach of the patient/doctor boundary. "I promise to take care of myself," he whispered.   
  
The next sessions I learned more about Yukito, and he spun me deeper into his web, and I fell into it, thinking that I was the one in control when in truth he was. Our sessions progressed, and things remained at a stasis point - I thought I had his trust, when in truth I did not. It was after the eighth session, though that things changed. It was then I broke all the rules... and had to pay the price.   
  
I met Yue.   
  
^^^^^^   
  
September 27   
  
Fifth session with Tsukishiro Yukito. And a headache developing.   
  
Wondering if I should shift myself out of counseling Yukito because he's simply too lovable for his own good. It's hard to maintain the necessary distance to maintain objectivity, and I know I'm failing.   
  
Yukito is very alone, and brings out my mothering instincts. Still, we've built a rapport, and shifting him to another counselor may do irreparable harm. I have the feeling that this alter has some severe abandonment issues. Okay, enough of that. Yukito got along well with Himitsu, to no surprise. Himitsu took to him immediately, and I wouldn't be surprised if all dogs and children would. He has that type of personality - kids and animals would love him. He's gentle and it shines from him.   
  
A few surprises, which shouldn't surprise me by now. He's complex. I need to get that through my skull. Patient does drink, but apparently has learned his lesson. Good thing, because he's too small to handle much, hypermetabolism or not. He had a cut on his hand from a knife, inflicted by Kinomoto Touya, his lover. Patient seems fascinated by the subject of his blood being the same as everyone else's... and seems to think this is a form of assuring himself of his own reality.   
  
Yukito has promised not to cut himself to pursue this, and I'm going to keep a watch out for this. I want to trust him, but... Yukito also went on about secrets, and his nature to keep them. We discussed truth, but Yukito came from secrets. He seems open and honest but there's something hidden about him. It's not about MPD - it's his personality.   
  
On the Yue front, Yukito has told me that Kinomoto Touya suspected the existence of Yue before Yukito himself did. Touya is also the catalyst whom brought the actual existence of Yue to Yukito's attention. I admit to being a bit concerned about the relationship, but Yukito relies on Touya for many of his emotional needs. The patient needs to work on creating a wider range of support, since he seems to be almost entirely dependant on Touya and Touya's younger sister, Sakura. I'm not sure if Touya fostered this dependence or not - instinct says not. Actually, Touya may be the first bridge to the outside world... I'm wagering that Touya is Yukito's first attempt at forming a serious relationship. MPD comes from emotional and physical trauma, after all.  
  
Yukito has some memories which exist before his creation - whether they're false or belong to a previous personality, I don't know. Yukito also let it slip that he sprang from Yue. Now I need to determine if Yue is the core, or if there's another core personality under Yue.   
  
Therapy will continue, and I will monitor him for cutting. Aside from that, I'll follow his lead. He's as unpredictable as the wind.   
  
  
^^^^^^  
  
Notes:   
  
Things are about to hit the fan....   
  
The Windy is also Under Yue.  
  
I hope everyone sees that "The One True Thing" falls between chapter 3 and 4.  
  
"Himitsu" is secret in Japanese.  
  
The yin yang is pretty well explained in here... if you didn't know, Yue actually is the "yin" half... dark, night, inaction, and female!   
  
Credit, as always, to Krystal for beta and Lyra for rescuing me from my computer problems!  
  
Credit Gold, for her fic "After the Fact." Our repeated taunts have done wonders for my motivation. Michelle, thanks for your in-depth thoughts - and you're amazingly perceptive. TamChronin and Peacewish, thanks for the comments - I like to see authors I admire reviewing - unfortunately, I can't return the favor right now because my comp won't function on ff.net (I have to have someone else upload chapters even!). Waku-chan, Sinnatious, dream4ever, Lau, Emily-chan, L-chan, Mateem Bluewing, kira, Bluegoo, kawaii-michiru, quidditchgirl, Potenial Writer, Ina-chan, Askani Blue, Neko-chan and skittle - I hope I disappoint. I also hope I didn't miss anyone... How do people manage to name everyone in credits? ^^;; 


	6. Chapter 5

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Dedication: For Gold. Because she's amazing as a writer, has an wicked sense of humor, and is one of those intelligent people I value. Even if she DOES want me to feed Touya every now and then...  
  
CHAPTER FIVE  
  
  
It is human nature to assign blame. As I reflect now, I am tempted to blame Yukito, for being who he is... But to blame Yukito is to blame water for being wet. How can you hold water in your hands without it slipping through?   
  
I would blame Yue, and he would accept it, for such things as blame do not bother him, from what I've seen of him now. But part of the satisfaction derived from blame is knowing you've made the other person uncomfortable, and Yue is as distant as the moon from which he derives his name.   
  
I could even blame Himitsu, for it was her fault I was out that night, to be shaken from my comfortable worldview. But blame gets us nowhere. I have accepted it happened, and now I know. I would rather know the truth, than remain in ignorance.   
  
There is no blame, simply truth.   
  
Owning a dog brings companionship and joy, but it also brings great responsibility. Dogs are high maintenance animals, and caring for one properly requires a great deal of commitment, time, money, and my least favorite thing, exercise. I really dislike having to take Himitsu for her evening walks, though I know it's good for the both of us.   
  
I'm a night person at heart, and Himitsu and I have gotten into the habit of taking long runs together just as the sun is setting. I love looking at the night sky, and it was cooler out. Fewer people were out so I could be alone with my thoughts and just enjoy the rhythmic pace I set. Himitsu was kind to me, never demanding we go faster than I could take. I was slower than I had been when we had first started these runs, and I knew that in a few years, I would be even slower. Still, I was proud of the pace I set, for not many middle-aged women could manage a two-mile jog.   
  
That night, the new moon hung over my head, with only the brightest stars pushing through the inky blackness of the clear sky. The air was cold, preparing itself for the holiday season.   
  
I wasn't Christian, but I was anticipating Christmas with an eager wariness. Eager, because I enjoyed the festivities with my friends. Wariness, because many of my patients fell into depressions. Around Christmas, depression and suicides sharply increased. It was a statistical fact, and my life became more stressful. I always attributed it a bit to seasonal affective disorder as well, since humans were definitely affected by the loss of sunlight.   
  
Tomoeda is a small city with a population of perhaps 200,000. I encounter my clients occasionally as I go about my business, and I've discovered that it's best not to acknowledge them until they make the first move. Many people are embarrassed to be seeing me, and don't want to admit to knowing me outside of the office. It's something I've come to accept - it's about boundaries.   
  
I don't know what made me take a left that night. I'm a creature of habit, and I like routine. But for some reason, I took a left instead of a right, deciding to take a peek at the new shop I had heard was moving in on Momiji Street. Himitsu was glad for the change of pace, continuing a steady lope at my side as my sneakers pounded in a steady thrum against the sidewalk.   
  
I rounded the corner, pulling up short when I saw the scene before me. Yukito was there, talking to a girl.   
  
It was my hesitation that cost me. I should have kept running, and pretended that nothing was wrong, or should have turned around and let Yukito live his own life, but I was curious. This was the first time I had seen Yukito outside of my office, and I wanted to peek in on him.   
  
I looked at Himitsu, giving her a hand signal for her to lie down and be absolutely still. She obeyed instantly, and I dropped the leash. Between us, the leash was a formality. Having a trained therapy dog was wonderful.   
  
The girl Yukito was talking to was young, no more than fourteen and I wondered if she was the Sakura he so adored. Her long black hair hung to her waist, but her clothing was out of place. There was a Chinese cut to it, and I could see, even in the streetlight, that the cast of her features marked her as foreign, probably Chinese.   
  
Yukito's body language was wrong, as well. I knew him well enough to realize that he valued touch with those he was close to, and he wasn't touching this girl at all. While his expression was serious and considerate, he stood a few feet away from her, and I wondered about that.   
  
I felt a bit guilty for invading his life. I was just about to turn away from him when the most remarkable thing happened. The girl shook her head, turning aside but Yukito held up his hand to forestall her. She whirled back to him, and under his feet, the ground started to glow.   
  
My eyes widened in disbelief, my hand rising to my mouth to restrain the gasp that threatened to escape. I could see a pattern of lines, but I wasn't close enough to make out the pattern. From his back, a pair of ghostly white wings emerged to surround Yukito's slender form, encasing his body completely.   
  
White wings...   
  
Feathers...   
  
I stared as the wings became more solid, parting to reveal a creature that hadn't existed before.   
  
This was impossible. I was dreaming, I was dreaming....   
  
Yukito had been replaced by a creature that resembled an angel out of legend. I wanted to scream in denial, but I found it hard to breathe. All I could do was stare in shock, hypnotized by his beauty. The angel was stunning, a creature of white perfection. Chiseled features created an androgynous magnificence that seemed untouchable, with long white hair that resembled spun moonlight, as if some master artisan had captured that elusive light and used it to accent this creature's perfection. His skin was as pale as Yukito's, but there was a distance to him, a wary sorrow that warned a person not to try to get close.   
  
I wanted to get away from him.   
  
This... Could not be Yukito.   
  
I knew in my heart who it had to be, but it wasn't until he turned his head slightly and I got a better look at his face that I knew for sure.   
  
Eyes like the winter sky, that indescribable color, were locked in a face the color of snow.   
  
/Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen./  
  
"Yue..." I whispered.   
  
This was... This was insane. I had heard of multiples before, but this wasn't right! This defied logic, everything I had ever learned to be the truth!  
  
I stared at the winged man in his exotic clothing, standing besides the Chinese girl, and I wondered who had decided that the laws of reality deserved to be thrown out the window.   
  
My feet reacted before my mind did. I took a step back, then another. My shaking hands reached down and found Himitsu's leash, and before I realized what I was doing, I was running full out, harder than I had since I had been twenty.   
  
I just concentrated on my footsteps, trying not to think. All I wanted to do was run, run from the reality of a world that had suddenly gone mad.   
  
!*~*~*~~  
  
I sat in the center of my couch, in a mauve sweat suit with my sticky, graying hair falling out of its ponytail to trail limply in my face. Himitsu nudged my icy hands, obviously sensing that something was wrong, but I just concentrated on breathing, trying to make some sense of the world.   
  
What I had seen... Was impossible. Yukito had shifted into an angel before my eyes, but the angel had been so cold and so distant. I had sensed that about him.   
  
The angel... Had to be Yue. Beautiful white feathers with amazingly long white hair, and ice blue eyes that defied description. So different than the soft brown eyes that looked at me in our sessions, asking questions of identity and self. Was this really Yukito, the young man who had turned to me?   
  
I heard Himitsu whine, but it barely registered. I wasn't equipped to deal with this. I was a counselor... Not a philosopher. Yukito was beyond my grasp. Yukito wasn't...   
  
He wasn't human.   
  
I gasped deeply as I realized that, putting my elbows on my knees so I could rest my face in my hands. There are more things on heaven and earth... And Yukito was one of them.   
  
I couldn't cope with it. "Himitsu... I... I'm not a superwoman," I whispered. I peeked out between my fingers at my golden lab, trying to get her to absolve me of responsibility. "I'm just a middle-aged counselor who's gotten in way over her head."   
  
Himitsu looked at me with her liquid, trusting eyes, and I shut my own, wondering why I saw Yukito reflected in her innocent gaze. Yukito had been lying to me about Yue this entire time... I had known, but I hadn't realized the extent of his lies.   
  
I felt a surge of rage well up within me. "Damn him!" I swore. "Damn him for involving me!"   
  
I was shocked out of my reverie by the doorbell. It was late, after ten, and most of my friends knew better than to call me at this hour without scheduling ahead. I was an intensely private person during the evening hours, calling them "me" hours. So it had to be an emergency, on top of my own crisis... Just what I needed.   
  
I almost yelled for them to get the hell out of there, highly out of character, but I figured I was entitled. Still, my innate empathy overrode my inner turmoil, and I stumbled to the door, pulling it open as I hoped I didn't appear too glassy-eyed.   
  
To my surprise, a stranger stood there. I looked up- and up. The man was that tall, making my breath catch in shock. "Imiyo-san," he stated, rather than asked. His dark eyes examined me closely, from my worn-out appearance to my wane face. I had the impression that nothing escaped his cursory inspection. "You don't look well."   
  
He was also stunningly rude, I thought with a surge of annoyance. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and he was insulting my appearance.  
  
I tried to make out his features through the shadows, but the only impression I had was of amazing height and those piercing eyes. "I-" I began to protest, grabbing the door to slam it in his face, unwilling to deal with this intruder on top of everything else, but his right hand caught the door before I could act.   
  
"Maybe I should introduce myself. Kinomoto Touya," he said. "Can I come in?"   
  
I stumbled back from the door in shock, wondering why now, of all times, he was here. "Please," I said, feeling more shaken than I had before. This is Yukito's Touya... I thought, watching as he came into the warm light of my room.   
  
My breath caught again. Whatever I had been expecting Touya to look like from Yukito's descriptions, my imagination had fallen far short of the reality. Touya was as masculine as Yukito was effeminate. Together they must make a stunning pair, I reflected. Touya was dark where Yukito was fair, his tanned complexion and black hair smooth and perfect. He didn't possess the otherworldliness of Yukito, but there was something about him that was unapproachable. Yukito would be the friendly one, where Touya would be the ice prince... had Yue not been in the equation. My head hurt thinking about Yue.   
  
Touya looked around my apartment, his eyes settling on Miss Lily and Himitsu. His hand extended towards them, and I opened my mouth to warn him that Lily-chan was notoriously nasty to strangers, particularly men. However, the warning wasn't necessary, as she immediately walked to the edge of the couch and sniffed his fingers curiously before releasing a soft purr.   
  
Himitsu was a bit more loyal, coming to my side, but she plopped down beside me, obviously at her ease around him. "You have a way with animals," I said neutrally as Miss Lily bumped her head against his hand, trying to elicit some strokes.   
  
His expression remained placid, though his eyes softened a bit. "Animals trust easily. They sense when people don't mean them harm. Them or their charges," he added.   
  
"What do you want?" I asked him. "I don't discuss my clients with anyone," I said formally. I decided to play stupid, and hope that Touya was there about Yukito. Sometimes I received threats from significant others "that my spouse doesn't NEED therapy - you're screwing them up!", so I would treat Touya like one of those... though I doubted he was. Touya didn't strike me as narrow-minded.  
  
Touya picked Miss Lily up, something I have never seen her let anyone except me do, and settled onto the couch with her in his lap.   
  
I remained standing, still feeling dwarfed by his presence. Touya had that ability to command a room - enter a place, and take control without consciously trying. "Yue saw you," he said softly.   
  
I stiffened. "Yue..."   
  
"He was... concerned."   
  
I tried to imagine that remote creature being concerned for me, and couldn't. He... Yukito... My fists rose to my temples, and for a second I was seriously tempted to beat myself upside the head to give myself some pain to focus on, rather than these impossible memories. "I..." I felt my legs give way beneath me, and I finally gave in. Hearing Touya speak that name finally gelled the situation.   
  
Yukito... Was... Not... Human....   
  
Yue... Was... Real...   
  
And I had no idea what he was.   
  
Most people would have come to my aid, but Touya merely watched me with those dark eyes that saw everything without reflecting anything back. He waited for me for a moment, letting me get hold of myself. "You're upset... But you can't afford to be. Yuki has an appointment with you tomorrow, and you need to pull yourself together by then."   
  
I open my mouth trying to find something coherent to say, but ended up merely giggling a bit hysterically. Touya was talking about a counseling session? Now? When I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to look... Yukito... Yue... In the face again without shivering?   
  
Touya's eyes flashed, and he stopped petting Miss Lily mid-stroke. An aura of danger surrounded him, and I tossed my head back defiantly, wondering if I would survive to see the next morning.   
  
"I won't pretend to understand why Yuki sought counseling. I know he's done nothing but build lie upon lie, and tonight, they came tumbling down." He looked at the small calico cat who cuddled trustingly into him before continuing. "I do know that he trusts you. He trusts you enough to talk. He trusts you, Imiyo-san, and you can't let him down. He's young, and you're the first person he's reached out to know him, not because he had to, but because he needed to."   
  
I stared at Touya in shock. "Touya... What is he?"   
  
Touya just looked at me for a long moment. "Have you ever read Plato?"   
  
My head spun at the abrupt change of topic. "Had to read him in college. It would have been before you were born. I never really liked him."   
  
The young man looked thoughtful. "We studied him last semester, Yuki and I. We take most classes together when we can, even though we're different majors. Philosophy was a core course. Anyway, do you remember the story about the cave?"   
  
My mind was fuzzy as I tried to dredge up the memory of those long-ago classes. "Not really," I admitted. "What's this got to do with anything?" I demanded, feeling my trained patience hanging by a thin thread.   
  
"Plato has a rather interesting story that he told to a student... It's about slaves in a cave," Touya said, pausing as he scratched my cat under the chin. "The slaves have lived their entire life in a cave, seeing only shadows cast by firelight. One day, one of the slaves is freed and sees what is causing the shadows - the real items. When he goes to describe them, the people in the cave don't believe him, choosing to instead believe that the shadows are the reality."   
  
My breath caught. "Are you saying that Yukito is Yue's shadow?" I asked.   
  
Touya sighed softly, and the genuine pain in his eyes was almost tangible. "Yuki and Yue are the same. I've thought on it a lot. I've come to my own decision, though, and you'll need to reach yours."   
  
I just rubbed Himitsu's smooth head absentmindedly. "Yue... Yukito... He..."   
  
"You've seen through the shadows to what causes them," Touya said. "Now you need to decide whether you want to go back to the cave and tell the truth, or be chained up be your our preconceptions of reality."   
  
I shivered, though not with cold. I was so tired from this, but I didn't have much time to make my decision. "Can't you tell me what you know?" I begged. "Tell me about Yue?" I practically begged. I was forty-two years old, and I felt like a six-year old asking sempai for help.   
  
Touya shook his head. "You're the first person Yuki has reached out to on his own, who is outside the main story. I'm too tied up in the tale to be objective. You aren't. You need to see Yuki for what his is... For his sake."   
  
"I..."   
  
Touya rose with a smooth grace that bespoke years of athletics, and walked over to me to deposit Miss Lily in my lap. "Don't be blinded by your eyes, Imiyo-san," he said softly. "Or your mind. You're an intellectual, aren't you?" He picked up my hand and held it against his chest, and I felt the steady beat of his strong, young heart. It was astoundingly intimate for him to allow a stranger so close, but then, I was rapidly learning not to expect anything from Kinomoto Touya. "You need to see him with your heart."   
  
^^^^^^   
October 24   
  
Personal Journal of Katashiwa Imiyo   
  
It's strange how your entire world can change in an entire day.   
  
It's even more odd how one person can really screw up your perceptions, even when he didn't mean to. Especially when he had no clue that he was doing it.   
  
Yue and Yukito - where does one end and the other begin? What are they? Yue is not an angel... He's something different, something of this earth that I do not understand. And that scares me, yet I cannot shut it out of my eyes and abandon the situation.   
  
I have grown too close to Tsukishiro Yukito in the brief months that we have spent together. I've lost my objectivity. It happens quite frequently when a counselor and patient build a rapport.   
  
I like Yukito. I think that's the root of the problem. There's something about him that draws me to him. I think it's a natural charisma that brings out my maternal instincts. There's a lost little boy look in his eyes, and I just want to hand him a teddy bear and tell him everything will be all right. But... I never offer false assurances, not even to myself. If there's one thing I believe in, it's the truth. I-   
  
Wait a second. I believe in the truth. That's why I became a counselor. And if the truth of Yukito isn't what I believed it to be, that doesn't give me an excuse to turn away. If anything, I am now more bound to help Yukito find what he seeks. I don't think he knows what that is, but....   
  
I'm going to have to start falsifying my records at work. There's no way I can let Yue's existence - that truth - become known. But I'll keep a separate record here, in my diary, for my reference... I've decided.   
  
I'm going to see if I can find the truth of Yue... and Yukito.   
  
^^^^^^  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Imiyo is breaking all SORTS of professional ethics by choosing this route, and Touya never should have been able to find her house. Touya... well, Touya is Touya. And Imiyo is writing a new handbook now...   
For people who knew I had chapter 6 done, I merged it with chapter 5, because my original 5 was too short. I think this gets me where I'm going better.  
  
Credit to the usual suspects: Krystal for betaing, Lyra for her help, Tamchan for listening and Meghth for being a kawaii koneko-chan.   
  
Thanks to:   
Teo, Knighthunter, kira, Bluegoo, Emily-chan, Lau, HikariMidori, AtomBunny, Waku-chan, Sinnatious, Sophia Prestor, Neko-chan, Michélle, and Skittles.   
  
No thanks to:  
PEACEWISH, for writing Scattered Blossoms, Lotus Reborn and Death in the Family (simply some of the best Touya writing I've seen, and I'm glad you like Meilin as well).  
ASKANI BLUE, for writing Illusions (clowns won't eat you, but I may come after you with a mallet with intent to do serious bodily damage if you don't keep going!)  
TAM CHRONIN, for Not Human, Shades of Discover and Generations of Cardcaptors (I want more of Generations, dammit! But I'm still dragging you through Tokyo Babylon!).  
L-CHAN, for What I Didn't Know (neat spin, I like Touya!).  
  
The above stand accused of distracting me from my writing - it's been a WEEK since I put ANYTHING out. It's only with drastic infusions of green tea that this piece was redeemed.   
  
Feedback keeps Aishuu on track. ^_~ 


	7. Chapter 6

Aishuu Offers:  
Alter Egos  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
Dedication: For Xandra. A promise long in the keeping.

^^^^^^

  
  
  


CHAPTER SIX

  


I have only cancelled appointments twice in my career: once when my mother died, and when I was so deathly ill I had to be admitted to the hospital for eight days. On October 25, I cancelled all of my appointments for a third time, knowing that I needed the time to realign my perceptions of reality. I wouldn't have been any good to my other clients anyway, and I refused to give them less than my best.

  


Touya had left shortly after his dramatic challenge to me, giving me his home phone number and telling me that I could call him if I needed to. I added it to my electronic organizer immediately, but I knew I would never use it. I had crossed that line, intruding on Yukito's life, and I needed to try to maintain some boundaries. Touya had intruded upon me, and it wouldn't be right for me to add him to my support system. I would do this on my own.

  


Besides, after today, Touya probably wasn't going to be very eager to talk to me. Yukito was going to go through a major shock, and he wasn't going to like it a bit.

  


There are different types of therapy, and I preferred to be gentle in my methods. Today though, I was going to be confrontational, something I had been considering since the start. Yukito's lies had finally been revealed to me, and I was going to shred them. It would hurt him, and I regretted that, but sometimes a doctor had to hurt a patient to heal him ultimately.

  


Sometimes something had to be completely broken before it could be fixed.

  


Our usual seven o'clock appointment meant that I didn't need to worry about getting to the office until six. I allowed myself the luxury of sleeping in, and I dreamt of moonlight on the water--and feathers. White feathers were falling all around me, but when I reached out to catch them, they vanished before my fingers touched them.

  


My office seemed cold when I let myself in, and my eyes immediately went to the dreamcatcher that had so fascinated Yukito. I knew now that the feathers had captured his eye, though they paled beside the pristine perfection of Yue's. I wondered if Yukito had ever seen any of Yue's feathers, or was just subconsciously drawn to them. 

  


Seven o'clock came too soon that night. I didn't have enough time to brace myself. Before long, I heard cheerful humming in my lobby, a sure sign that Tsukishiro Yukito had arrived. I smoothed nervous fingers over my green blazer, ran a hand over my hair, and walked to the lobby.

  


I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but Yukito was in one of the chairs as usual, with a book open in his lap. There was no calculator in sight, so I guessed it wasn't a math or science text. "What are you reading this time?" I asked.

  


"Ogura Hyakunin Isshu," Yukito said, straightening his glasses. "Japanese Literature class I'm taking this semester," he told me.

  


His normal answer relaxed me. There was no sign of feathers or anything mystical about him. He merely seemed to be just Yukito. I wasn't sure if that reassured me or not.

  


"Would you like to come back with me?" I asked.

  


"Sure," he answered.

  


Yukito and I settled into my office with the ease of long practice. I watched his facial expressions as he set his books down and then looked up at me, pushing his glasses up with his index finger. They had a habit of sliding cutely down his nose.

  


"How have you been, lately?" I asked, falling into our routine. 

  


His smile was as beautiful as it always was. He began to gesture as he spoke, and I watched his slender hands as they moved. They were so graceful, so perfectly sculpted that I could believe that Yukito wasn't a natural creation. I let him speak for a while, allowing him to relax before I began to ask what I had needed to.

  


"Has Yue come out lately?"

  


"He comes out more rarely now," he replied. Yukito leaned forward. "My time lapses have decreased since I began seeing you."

  


Distract me, I thought. Not a lie, but good avoidance.

  


"Yukito, what does Yue look like?"

  


He broke off. "He... he has blue eyes," he said suddenly. "That's..."

  


"What else?"

  


"I don't know..." he said softly. His eyes shifted away, and I knew he was lying.

  


"Liar," I said finally.

  


Yukito blinked at me slowly, his jaw dropping. "What? Imiyo-san, what do you mean?"

  


"I called you a liar," I replied calmly, taking a sip of green tea. Yukito... It's time you stopped lying to me, and to yourself. I'm not sure if you even know how much you lie, or if you're consciously aware of lying, but I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth."

  


He blinked at me, and I noticed his hands were trembling slightly. It was one of the hardest things in my life not to get up and comfort him, promise him that he could do whatever he wanted, that I would protect him. Someone needed to drag him into reality, and I unfortunately had been chosen for the position. "I've told you... Imiyo-san.…"

  


"I saw Yue," I said flatly.

  


His eyes widened as his breathing quickened. "That's impossible. No one meets Yue."

  


"You weren't careful last night when you transformed," I told him. "And tonight you continue to spin your web of lies. I have to wonder if you've ever told me the truth."

  


Yukito flinched away from me, rising to his feet. "I--" He clenched his fists. "Imiyo-san...." He glanced towards the door, and I knew he was about to bolt. His pale face was tight with tension, and the tremors that were wracking his body made me clench my teacup to strengthen my resolve. He was so fragile that hurting him was against my most human instincts, but I knew that as a counselor, I had to press on.

  


"Yukito, if you don't stop lying to yourself or others, I can't help you. That is, if you want to be helped. Or are you just here to live in some kind of dream world, where you control your reality?" I asked." I'm sure it's a very pretty world, but I'm a professional psychologist. I can't be your enabler. If you don't start working with me, I'm afraid I'll have to terminate our relationship."

  


"I--" he started, apparently ready to argue, but it was a sentence he never finished. Beneath Yukito's feet, a golden circle formed, and the hurt and anger on his face melted away as his body went slack. I forced my face to remain neutral, but I knew what was happening. 

  


I was about to meet Yue.

  


The transformation seemed different, now that I was closer. The lines on the ground formed an intricate sun and moon pattern, but they didn't keep my attention for long, for the phantom wings emerged, encasing Yukito and causing him to drift up, defying the law of gravity. Within the protective shield of those wings some kind of metamorphosis was taking place, and I held my breath. It only took seconds, but each one seemed like an eternity before they parted and Yue came forth, settling on the ground on bare feet the color of snow.

  


Yue and Yukito were as different as two people could be, I recognized immediately. Yue's eyes dissected me like I was a specimen he wasn't sure how to take apart. Everything about him seemed to be more than I was. The things I had in the room faded into insignificance, and I felt I had take a step back from the world I knew as I stared at him in sheer awe. Touya dominated a room without trying; Yue recreated it in his own image simply by being there. He became the reality, and the mundane seemed to be ridiculous beside him.

  


"Yue," I stated, acknowledging him to keep calm. I wouldn't let him take control of my room--this was my office, and no creature, mythical or otherwise, would wrest it from me. "It's nice to meet you face to face. I'm Kawashima Imiyo."

  


"I know who you are," he replied. His voice was as cold as the dark side of the moon, forever denied the light of the sun. Still, it was Yukito's voice, and that reassured me.

  


I nodded a bit, maintaining my seat and taking a sip of my tea. The liquid soothed me, grounding me in reality as I forced myself to swallow. "You are aware of everything Yukito is aware of, then." I said.

  


He nodded. "He is my false self. Of course I am," he replied.

  


"Why did you choose now to come out?" I asked. My voice was level as I met his eyes. Yue's eyes fascinated me. They weren't a true ice blue, but rather that indescribable color of a winter sky; one moment the ice blue Yukito had named them, the next shading towards lavender. They were a shade I had never seen before and wished I could capture somehow, a shade simply too perfect to be human.

  


But then Yue wasn't human.

  


He spoke after a pause, and it wasn't because he was slow; no, I had the impression that Yue's intelligence far exceeded my own. Yue was planning everything he would say, truly considering his words. I appreciated that. There were too many people who spoke without thought and regretted their words later. "Yukito was upset." 

  


"I won't apologize," I replied. "I don't like being lied to."

  


"This isn't about you," Yue told me, and he moved closer, and I had to force myself to concentrate on breathing. His presence was overwhelming, and I needed to remind myself that it wasn't a dream, that this creature before me was real, and had in some way been hidden inside Tsukishiro Yukito. "It's about Yukito."

  


"It is. And if I'm going to help him, I need you to work with him as well..."

  


The coldness of his expression faltered for a second. "What?"

  


"I like Yukito, but he needs to stop hiding from the truth. He may intellectually know he's your false form, and he may be coping with it, but he needs to accept it in his heart. He needs to understand what he is... and I get the feeling you've hidden much of what you are from him, which doesn't help."

  


Yue blinked for a moment, and then he sighed a bit. His wings extended, and then faded from view, as though they had never existed. I blinked, wondering if I was dreaming. "Yukito wasn't supposed to exist after the Final Judgment," he explained.

  


"What?"

  


"I was created to protect a powerful magical artifact. I'm called the Judge, because that's my role... I judge the person who is worthy to hold that artifact. Yukito was created to hide me until that moment. When that moment came, the person wasn't powerful enough to support me, so I faded back into Yukito's mind. Besides, that person loved Yukito."

  


"Touya?"

  


Yue shook his head. "Sakura. She thought Yukito was the person she loved most... it comes from being moon aligned. She felt my power, and was drawn to him."

  


"Moon aligned?"

  


"You're strongly moon aligned," he told me. "Women are more inclined to be, but you're more attuned than most. It explains why you are so strongly drawn to Yukito. You feel the moon energy subconsciously and gravitate towards it."

  


I snorted. I couldn't help it. "Right."

  


"It's true. Many people love Yukito because they feel the energy and are unable to stop themselves from wanting to bask in its warmth."

  


His arrogance irritated me. "You, sit," I ordered.

  


Yue blinked in astonishment at me as I glared at him. The beautiful creature seemed totally at a loss for how to react. It was apparent that no one ever told him what to do. So he sank to the floor, kneeling gracefully. I had intended for him to take a chair, but even though his wings had vanished, he still behaved like he bore them. There was a deliberateness to the way he moved, as though he was taking the time to think five steps ahead.

  


"You may be right about me being moon aligned--I'll concede that you're the expert there. But I'm the expert on human relationships. The thing that draws us to a person won't sustain a relationship if there isn't more than that initial attraction." I stared him down, and Yue looked back at me. "Beauty, riches, charisma... These all help, but for a relationship to truly work, there needs to be more."

  


Yue stared at me for a moment, and something in his eyes looked as lonely as Yukito did. For a second, I saw Yukito superimposed over him, and it was dizzying to me. "I wouldn't know," he said softly. "I'm not meant for that."

  


"You just think you're not," I told him. "I'm sure Sakura was drawn to Yukito's gentleness as well. He's a natural choice for a girl's first crush. And that was what it was, wasn't it?"

  


Yue nodded a bit. "Yukito also told Sakura he reminded her of her father, Kinomoto Fujitaka."

  


"Kinomoto-san must be a wonderful man, then." I smiled at Yue, and Yue seemed to grow a bit distant.

  


"He is... he reminds me a bit of... someone who was once important to me."

  


"Is there anyone who is important to you right now?" I asked softly. "Aside from Yukito?"

  


"Sakura and Touya," Yue replied, then seemed surprised that he answered me. "You're good," he said after a moment. "I don't know how to deal with you. I've never... spent any time with an adult woman."

  


I wanted to confess I didn't know how to deal with him, either, but now was not the time. Yue needed to see me as an authority figure. Something about the way he was acting made me thing he was very lonely as well. What would it be like, I wondered, to have to hide behind a false form? I gave him a firm smile, coming to a decision. "I'm not sure exactly what you are, Yue, but you and Yukito... there's no separating the two of you. So you're both my client, because Yukito sought me for help." 

  


"You called him a liar," Yue accused, and his face hardened.

  


"Isn't he?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow quizzically. "The truth hurts."

  


Yue nodded after a second. "But why didn't you try to be more gentle?"

  


"Because a wound needs to be cauterized by fire," I told Yue. I stared into his face, and saw the saw shape and structure of Yukito's. "I am not always nice, Yue, but I did what I had to." I rose to my feet for the first time in the session, coming over to kneel next to Yue, even though it felt decidedly odd to approach this alien being. But the loneliness in his eyes was the same as that Yukito wore, and I knew that Yukito had to come from somewhere. "I can't separate the truth from the lies, Yue," I told him. "Yukito needs to start telling the truth for his own good, and stop living in a fantasy world. I don't know why he came to see me, but he spun me a fantasy world... and I can't, in good conscience, let him get away with it."

  


Yue nodded slowly, lowering his eyes. "I...I think he just wanted someone to be on his side. Everyone has accepted that he was a false form of a magical creature, but that means he's not human. It's a terrible blow, but by accepting my existence, Sakura and Touya have almost chosen me over him." He raised his eyes, and the intensity in them scared me. 

  


"Emotions are a funny thing," I said. "But...he hasn't accepted you." I stared at Yue. "Are you going to let him fade away?"

  


Yue shook his head. "Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could anymore. His sense of self is too strong."

  


"Do you want to?" I demanded. 

  


Yue was quiet. "No. I like him. When he lives, I share his life, his dreams, his feelings--it's a wonderful thing. He's everything I'm not."

  


I wondered about that. Yue was distant and divorced from humanity, but Yukito was one of the most human people I had ever met, embracing life with a passion that was unmatched. Yue and Yukito are…compliments, in some way I didn't understand? 

  


Or the same person, living in a dream?

  


"You need to make it clear you won't erase him," I told Yue. "One of the reasons he doesn't like you is because he fears you. He has a very strong will to live, and he fears that you'll decide he's unnecessary." 

  


Yue sighed. "I wanted to remain apart from him, but circumstances keep drawing me closer." 

  


"Then don't deny the pull," I said.

  


Yue turned his eyes towards me, and I shivered a bit. "I... Yukito will never let that happen. Even if I was able to convince him that I won't absorb him, he will never forgive me for what happened to Touya."

  


"Touya?" My mind flickered back to the dark teenager who had appeared on my doorstep. 

  


Yue glanced down at his hands, which were folded neatly in his lap. "When Sakura claimed the artifact I guard, she became responsible for sustaining my existence, magically. I depend on my master's power."

  


"You... feed off your master?" I asked. I forced my initial revulsion aside, knowing that my ignorance of magic left me in no place to judge.

  


Yue shrugged. "My creator always told me that the sun shines on its own, but the moon reflects. I am the moon, and I reflect the light of my master. I don't have the power to support my existence. It is my master's duty to support me magically."

  


The pieces were falling together. "Sakura is just a little girl...."

  


Yue nodded, and his long bangs obscured those eyes I found so intriguing. "She couldn't. She will someday have the needed power, but she didn't have the power needed. So Touya offered his own."

  


I blinked. "Touya has magic?"

  


Yue raised his eyes, and I saw the sorrow there. "Had. Touya was a particularly powerful seer; he could see spirits, and always knew about what was going on around him. It's a strong gift, knowing the present, perhaps even more powerful than knowing likely futures. He was able to control his environment, and there's a lot to be said for that."

  


I nodded, considering that. "To always be in control--I know many people who would sell their souls for that ability."

  


"Touya sold his soul for Yukito instead," Yue said, and I knew Yue wasn't being melodramatic, but speaking the truth as he saw it. "Yukito was dying, and to keep him alive, he gave me his magic. Yukito can't exist without me."

  


"The shadow can't exist without what gives it shape," I said softly, before turning to Yue. "But none of us exist without shadows, Yue." 

  


Yue jerked a bit, and I saw surprise in his face. "What?"

  


"Nothing in this world exists without a shadow, when it is hit by the light," I said. "Plato and the cave–Touya spoke to me about it, when he was telling me about your nature."

  


"Which is real?" Yue said. "I'm familiar with it. My creator was fond of philosophy, and we'd spend hours debating it. Eastern or Western, it didn't matter where it was from…"

  


I smiled, thinking of another philosopher I was fond of, one of the few I bothered with. "Have you heard of Chuang Tzu?" I asked.

  


Yue thought for a moment. "Not offhand."

  


"Many people don't actually know his name. Actually, I think…" I rose to my feet, feeling a bit awkward next to the preternatural grace Yue had displayed and went to my desk, scribbling something down on a sheet of paper. "Give this to Yukito when you think he's ready," I told Yue as I handed it back to him.

  


"What is it?" Yue asked.

  


"Go ahead and read it."

  


The winged man opened it slowly, as though it would bite him if he wasn't careful, and maybe the idea inside would. He read it quickly, and his hand tightened on the note minutely. "Ideas are dangerous weapons," Yue said softly.

  


I nodded slowly. "There's a reason they say the pen is mightier than the sword."

  


"Words are cruel things," he whispered, finally coming to his feet, and even though he wasn't a tall being, I felt dwarfed by his presence. "Especially the ones that we never say." He was silent for many long moments, lost in his memories before he spoke again. "I need to be going. The longer I stay, the larger the gap in Yukito's memory."

  


"Yue…" I whispered, and he hesitated, his hand lingering over the doorknob. "I only want what is best for you… both of you."

  


He smiled, a slight twitch of his lips. "I know. Somehow that makes all this bearable. But you know what the road to hell is paved with." The door opened and closed, and he moved silently through it. Then he was gone as though he had never been there at all and had only been a figment of my imagination.

  


I stared at the door Yue had used, finally allowing myself the luxury of tears. "Did I do the right thing?" I murmured to myself.

^^^^^^

  
  
  


October 25

  


Personal Diary of Katashiwa Imiyo

  


Meeting Yue tonight face-to-face was certainly an interesting experience. The previous night had seemed like a dream, outside of my realm, and tonight had retained some of that quality, but since he was in my territory, I can't deny it had happened.

  


Yue is real. I have no clue exactly what he is, but he is not human, he is a creature of magic, and he is my problem to deal with.

  


Of course, dealing with Yue means dealing with Yukito; this is my goal. Yukito is my patient, which means Yue is part of the deal. They're a matched set, and though I can't quite decide if they are the same creature of two beings sharing one body, I know that I had to finally bring Yukito to the confrontation point, which is always my least favorite thing. I allowed him to lie, until the point where he mentioned Yue, and then I confronted him with the truth that I knew about Yue.

  


This had, as I hoped, brought Yue out.

  


It was… scary.

Yue's anger towards me is nothing I ever want to experience again, but he quickly calmed down. Yue has been severely isolated socially and understands very little on how relationships work. He is a creature of magic and uses magic to explain everything, even where a mundane explanation would work. He seems to be locked in a deep depression over the death of his creator. He is tightly bound to Sakura and fond of Touya, which lead me to believe that Yukito and Yue are not are far apart mentally as they may like to believe.

  


If Yukito takes the bait and returns, I will be able to work with them both on accepting each other. Yue is protective towards Yukito; Yukito is angry towards Yue for his actions towards Touya, which were a matter of survival and apparently done with Touya's full knowledge. I don't quite understand how magic works, so I would need to ask more questions to fully understand the situation.

  


Counseling remains at the pivotal stage. We're at the breakthrough point. Either Tsukishiro Yukito will return voluntarily for more counseling and ready to let me help him, or there is nothing I can do. I have no predictions. I do not know which way he will move, since I've never dealt with a person who was not human before.

  


I hope he comes back… but I don't know.

  


I simply don't know what will happen.

^^^^^^

END PART SIX

^^^^^^

  


Author's Notes

  


Oh, I am bad, bad, bad....

  


Yes, counselors WILL occasionally try this kind of therapy - it's rare, though. Usually they try to "build a person up." However, this is "forcing Yukito to look in a mirror" and it's not real nice. This is similar to an intervention. Poor Imiyo got the role.

  


Credit to Krys, as ever, for the beta... and Tamchan, for her eternal... encouragement? Or should I say ego stroking/nagging/prodding?

  


Cultural Notes:

Ogura Hyakunin Isshu is a collection of 100 poems, all of them pretty classic. English Translations are available: 

  


Chuang Tzu: Will be explained next part. Go ahead and look it up if you want, but... ^_~

  


Feedback is grand... we're one away from putting this story to bed.

  
  
  



	8. Chapter 7 & Author's Notes

Aishuu Offers:  
  
Alter Egos  
  
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction  
  
mbsilvana@yahoo.com  
  
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.  
  
Dedication: For Krystal. It's been a long road, baby.  
  
  
  
^^^^^^  
  
CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
  
  
I loved Saturdays best of all, because I knew I'd be able to sleep in the next morning. I usually took Himitsu for a late-night walk, and she would be fine until around ten, giving me a chance to lounge in bed. It was my indulgence for the week, because I would stay up till 2 a.m., reading or answering letters or watching a movie. It was my "me time" that I recommended to all my clients that they set aside for their own mental health.  
  
It had been two weeks since I had seen Yukito, and I admit I wasn't thinking of him then, though he did frequently cross my mind. Still, life did go on, and my life wasn't about Yukito. It was about Imiyo. While it was impossible to completely separate myself from my work, there was a certain distance I had to maintain to keep a grip on my sense of self.   
  
That particular Saturday had been a good one. I had gone out shopping with my two closest friends, indulging in a bit of a splurge on clothing for a date I was having the next day. I had been seeing Yoshitaka for three months, and though neither of us was interested in marriage, it was a pleasant relationship that I could see sinking into a deeper understanding. I liked him, he liked me, and we both found each other attractive and compatible.  
  
I came back later than usual, feeling a bit run off my feet, and luckily Himitsu was contented with a quick walk around the block rather than our usual mile. I made a mental note to take her to the park before my date the next day and toss a ball around with her. I felt like going to bed earlier than my usual time, and since it was Saturday, I could be flexible.  
  
I was considering that thought when there came a tapping on the door, slow and uncertain at first, then gradually increasing in volume until it became frenzied. I blinked once, wondering why they hadn't bothered with the doorbell. I went to the door, my curiosity peaked. The door was starting to shake on its hinges, so it most likely wasn't a salesperson. Whoever it was desperately wanted to see me.  
  
Cautiously I peeked through the spyhole, and my breath caught. Yukito was leaning against the door, his head tilted downwards as he repeatedly slammed his fist against the door. His gray hair hid his expression and his posture was slumped.  
  
Something had happened, something momentous to bring him back to me, literally to my doorstep.  
  
My fingers fumbled with the locks, trying to get through before Yukito had a chance to change his mind and left. My weariness melted away and I realized that this was his turning point, and what I did in the next few minutes could change his life. A heavy weight rested on my shoulders, and I found it hard to breathe.  
  
The lock gave way, and Yukito looked up at me with eyes that seemed lost. "Imiyo-san," he said, and he stared at me. From his fingers slipped a piece of paper, but I ignored it, preferring to deal with him directly.  
  
"Yukito-san," I said cautiously, unsure of what he was about to do next. There was a tenseness in the set of jaw, and I wondered if he was too broken to be repaired. "Can I help you?" I asked.  
  
"I..." he began, but fell silent, glancing at the paper on the floor, and after a moment I recognized it as stationary from my desk, though it had been crumpled from being clenched too tightly.  
  
Without a word to him, I picked up and read it aloud, even though I knew what it had said. It was the one I had written myself and given to Yue two weeks ago. "A man dreamt he was a butterfly flying happily among trees. It was such a vivid dream that when he awoke and found himself a man, he did not know for certain that he was not really a butterfly dreaming he was a man."   
  
"I found it last night," he said softly. "Yue must have left it for me... But it's your handwriting, isn't it?"   
  
I nodded. "I gave it to Yue to give to you when he thought you were ready to see me again," I said softly. "Do you want to come in and sit down?" I asked.   
  
"I... Yes." I stepped back so he could enter, and the way he glanced around nervously as he came in reminded me of a nervous deer, about to run at the slightest sound. My apartment was warm and homey, and I hoped the lavender incense that I had burned earlier in the day would help relax him.   
  
"Can I get you something to eat, drink?" I offered, lingering between him and my favorite chair. I needed to be doing something as a hostess, to put this on a social level. This was my house, and I didn't feel right not offering hospitality.  
  
"No, no," he said hurriedly. "I shouldn't have barged in so late, but..." Yukito shifted in his chair uncomfortably.  
  
"It's fine," I assured him, taking my chair. I smoothed my dress over my knees before looking at him. "Are you a butterfly, or are you a man?" I asked after a long silence when it became clear that he wasn't going to say anything.  
  
He leaned forward, burying his face in his hands. He looked defeated, and I wondered if Yue had been wise to give him my message... was he ready? Could he really embrace his nature?  
  
"Yukito?" I pressed.  
  
"I don't know anymore," he said softly, and then he looked at me.   
  
He wasn't crying at all, and that worried me. He should have been, any sane person would have been if they were confronting that they were the creation of a magical being. He should have been raging against what life had dealt him, but all I saw was a quiet sorrow and helplessness.   
  
Had he given up? Was I Yue's last hope in keeping Yukito from going completely insane? Was Yukito too broken to be fixed? These thoughts raced through my head, as I wondered if confronting him with the truth had shattered him being repair. Perhaps Yukito had been meant to live in a fantasy world, one where no pain could touch him...  
  
...but he had come to me first. He wanted help.  
  
This knowledge steeled my will. "Yukito, what happened last night? Why did Yue leave it for you?" I asked.  
  
"I... I transformed into him after another fight with Touya," Yukito whispered. I noted how he wasn't calling Touya by the nickname he used usually. "He must have gotten it then, because I was only out for a few minutes. I haven't been able to think of anything else since I read it."  
  
"You fought?" I asked, seeing the heart of the issue through his babble. I had never imagined Touya fighting with Yukito, but perhaps my grasp of the dynamics of their relationship was wrong...  
  
Yukito averted his eyes, unable to meet mine directly, and posture increased as he straightened. His slender body was stretched so tightly that I feared the slightest pressure would cause him to snap. "Not a fight, exactly. Touya doesn't fight... he just... well, he knows things and demands you not deny them, and it's uncomfortable."   
  
I decided it was time to confess. "I found him to be a disquieting person, but we need people like him in the world. They're the ones who are - wise, and it makes us want to challenge what we are and become more. They force us to confront ourselves."   
  
He caught onto what I was implying immediately. "You've met Touya?" he asked, and he sounded betrayed.   
  
  
  
I nodded slowly. "He came here that night I saw Yue to knock some sense into me. Yue sent him, but I have the feeling he probably would have come and introduced himself eventually. He... really seemed to be weighing me." I gave Yukito a crooked grin. "I haven't been so thoroughly analyzed since I was going through my licensing."   
  
His hands clenched and unclenched several times as he tried to find the right words to say. "He... always seems to be watching out for me," he murmured after a moment. "Though I hate how he and Yue conspire against me."   
  
"Against you?" I echoed, keeping my voice carefully bland.   
  
"It seems like there's a great conspiracy to keep me innocent. I wasn't allowed to participate in some of the largest decisions in my life. Imiyo-san, at one point, I was in danger of dying because Sakura didn't have enough magic to support Yue's existence." He bit down on his lip so hard I was afraid it was going to start bleeding before continuing. "But Touya had magic, too, enough magic to sustain us... and he gave it away. He didn't even tell me what he was doing."   
  
"He had to give it to Yue, didn't he? Not you?" I asked. The picture of Yukito's life was starting to shape for me, and now I was starting to understand the sorrow I saw in face.   
  
"He... damn him, he just did it, and Yue accepted!" he exploded, and for the first time, I saw him angry. He rose to his feet, terrible and angry, and suddenly I saw Yue in his face. The dangerous and entrancing appearance, and the distance from humanity. He was too wonderful in his rage, icy cold and foreboding. "It's my life, too! I have a say in what happens!"  
  
His eyes sparkled with cold light, and if he had been Yue, I would have wondered what magic spells he would have cast. Instead, I smiled at him, glad to see there was enough will in him for him to be angry. "It is," I told him. "But it's Yue's as well. If he hadn't accepted, you both would have faded away into nothing!"  
  
"Maybe I would have preferred that! How can I continue to live this half life?" he demanded. He started to pace the room, and my eyes followed him. He was transforming in front of my, from a broken young man into someone with enough strength to be Yue's other self. It was fascinating to watch.  
  
"You have things to live for," I told him. I wasn't worried that Yukito was suicidal; this was different. This was similar to the guilt of transplant recipients, and other survivors. Survivor's guilt. Anger. Guilt. Loss... he was grieving. "You and Touya..."  
  
"There is no me and Touya!" he snapped back at me, and suddenly he fell back in the chair, losing what little color he had.  
  
"What happened?" I asked calmly, drawing on my years of experience to keep calm. If Touya had abandoned Yukito, things were much worse than I thought.   
  
Yukito lost all of his passion, and merely stared down at his feet. "There never was a me and Touya," he said softly after a moment. "You were right to call me a liar."  
  
  
  
I knew Touya loved Yukito, but it wasn't my place to say it. It was obvious from how Touya had reacted that night that Yukito was important to him, and I wondered how anyone could not love him. But I was the counselor, outside of the situation.  
  
I shut my eyes for a long moment, trying to rearrange everything in my head. I had to respect Touya for being wise enough to recognize that Yukito wasn't ready for a relationship until he got his issues with Yue sorted out. Yukito needed Touya, but Touya was caught in limbo, though. He couldn't do anything until Yukito was stable enough to be an equal partner if he wanted a healthy relationship. The counselor in me recognized this, but I still wanted to strangle Touya for letting this go on like this for so long. "How much of what you told me was the truth, Yukito-san?" I asked softly.  
  
He looked dreamy as he spoke to me, apparently lost in his own musings. "How close can you get to someone without becoming a lover? What's the difference between a boyfriend and a beloved? Whatever it is, Touya and I walk that long, always passing but never quite touching." He looked at me directly in the eye. "I'm sorry for lying but I think in your office, I wanted to pretend it was the truth..."  
  
"My office isn't the place for fantasies," I said sternly. I wasn't going to back down.  
  
"I know," he said. "But... if I don't know who I am, then what is a fantasy? Can't everything be the truth? What is the truth?"  
  
"I'm not going to give you an answer, Yukito-san. You tell me," I ordered. The air became tense between us.   
  
His eyes swam with tears that he didn't shed. "I..."   
  
I wasn't going to let him break down, not without a reason. "Yukito-san."   
  
He stared at me, and suddenly a smile, perhaps the first one he had offered since I had intentionally destroyed him, came to life. It wasn't full of the sweet innocence of before, but I liked it better. It was one of someone who had grown, and it was beautiful. "That's my answer. My name... is Tsukishiro Yukito." There was a pregnant pause before he spoke again. "And I'm the shadow form of Yue the Judge."   
  
Then he broke down, falling forward out of the chair to his knees. Tears streaked his pale cheeks as sobs tore at his body, seeming to try to shake him apart.  
  
I rose out of my chair, coming forward to embrace him, finally able to offer him the comfort I had been denying the both of us. "And now your healing can begin," I whispered, brushing his hair out of his eyes as he cried into my shoulder. His body was warm and strong, and I wondered if I would ever be able to make this young man whole.   
  
"How?" he demanded. "I'm only half of a person." I rocked his back and forth, much like my mother had done when I was little to offer him comfort. It occurred to me that no one had ever been his mother, no one had ever tried to offer him a maternal hand. We had passed the boundaries of client and counselor, and there was no going back.   
  
"I don't know, Yukito-san," I whispered to him. "You're like no one I've ever met, but then no one is like anyone else."   
  
His tears continued for a while longer, but even the greatest emotional storm had to cease. When they faded to mere shudders, he pulled back to look me in the eye through his glasses, and I took them off, setting them down on the coffee table beside us. Without them, his face lost many of its barriers. His amber eyes were red-rid from his crying-jag, but somehow he was still beautiful.   
  
"Imiyo-san," he said quietly, "I'm scared. I don't know what to do."   
  
"Neither do I. But we'll figure it out," I gave him another smile, one which I hoped showed him the maternal love he needed. Maybe that was why he chose me, out of all the counselors. Maybe it was fate or magic that had brought us together - after all that had happened, I knew that there was more in this world than I had dreamt possible a month ago. "Counseling sometimes takes years to work. I'm willing to stay the course, if you're willing to as well."   
  
He nodded. "I'm trapped," he whispered. "You're the only direction I have left to go."   
  
I shook my head fiercely, holding onto his shoulders firmly, knowing he needed the warmth of my hands to ground him. "That isn't true. You have Touya, and you have Yue. They may not be the easiest directions, but someday, you'll have to go towards them as well."   
  
Yukito looked terrified of the idea. "I..."   
  
I hushed him gently by covering his mouth with my right hand. "I said someday. You can go towards me right now, and we'll figure out the truth together, but that's my condition. I don't know if I can be a traditional counselor for you - we've broken too many rules. But I can be a mentor and your guide, which may be something you need more. The only thing I ask is that you don't lie to me anymore."   
  
He nodded slowly, and I recognized the hope dawning in his eyes. "No more lies," he promised, then he gathered me in his arms and embraced me. There was a desperation in it, and I knew that I had suddenly become one of his anchors in this crazy world which had created a young man out of moonlight and magic.   
  
I ignored my misgivings and hugged him back. I didn't know if I believed he was Yue dreaming he was Yukito or Yukito dreaming he was Yue, but I knew that this young man needed me... and I wanted to help him. His beauty, his quiet ways, had drawn me to him, but I had seen glimpses of a tormented and lonely soul that called to me.   
  
I was a counselor, but also a human being. That was my duality, a duality that had entwined me into his life. Perhaps that duality would help me understand him, or maybe it wouldn't, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Yukito was ready to start confronting the truth of his existence, and that he was strong enough that the truth wouldn't break him.   
  
HERE ENDS ALTER EGOS  
  
^^^^^^  
  
Notes:  
  
Chuang Tzu: Taoist Chinese called the "butterfly philosopher" he was most famed for his butterfly dream.  
  
Credits:   
  
Tam Chronin for the reassurances that by taking this route she would not disown me, Krystal for all of her work, Meghth for being my number one... whatever it is on this fic, all the members of the ccsyaoi list for their encouragement (it was reading through their archives that got me over the final hurdle), and the ff.net reviewers who stuck with this, especially Lau, Sinnatious, Alezia, Skittles, Askani Blue and Monique for their recent comments, but everyone's were appreciated and kept my fingers tapping!  
  
Author's Narcissistic Ramblings:  
  
When a writer starts a story, they do it for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it's just for fun. Sometimes it's to explore a concept. And then you have something like "Alter Egos."  
  
It's a piece that I felt needed to be written - not necessarily in CCS fandom - but one which was needed in the fanfiction realm as a whole. I started this story to give a firmer, more realistic, point of view on psychotherapy. I was very tired of seeing psychotherapy portrayed in a humorous light or without firm grounding - statistics say over half the population (American) will undergo it during their lives, and the stigma which is associated with it is fostered by ignorance and stereotypes. I wanted to create a realistic, human counselor using modern, non-Freudian (most counselors are not psychoanalysts) methods. I wanted to show a session and the fact that counseling is work. Yes, I had counseling training before I decided it wasn't my career path.  
  
I've been very encouraged by the responses to this. I'm firmly convinced that Yue is extremely depressed, powerful, wise and he will come out of it, because he's learning to love again. There's a lot going on behind the scenes that you DON'T see, and the problem with 1POV is that everything is filtered through Imiyo, who doesn't understand magic, and while perceptive, she didn't catch onto the fact that Yukito was lying about his relationship with Touya (something a VERY astute reader of "The One True Thing" may have noticed - at no point was it mentioned they were ROMANTICALLY involved). Yukito plays her like a violin.  
  
I'm not positive I'll be back in CCS fandom anytime soon, though when I am, it'll be in this same universe - I have a Meilin sidestory for Chapter five (yes, it was Meilin) planned and the sequel, if it gets done, will be another spin on Yukito/Yue with another lead (not an original character, though Imiyo is now rooted in my universe), called "Nyctalopia" set after this fic, though not much after. And there's more because by the time this series is done, there will be around six stories.  
  
Imiyo did not "fix" Yukito. That wasn't the point. This fic ended when the first major hurtle was reached: Yukito accepted that Yue is his other self. Now the WORK begins. But that's for another fic, maybe, or for the reader's imaginations.  
  
Feedback, of course, is always sought. ^_~ 


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